Proper capitalisation is one of them, apparently. You may have young children now, but looking back on your own time in school, there's a great many things you took in that - with the benefit of hindsight - are now utterly useless to you now. So, with the wonders of hindsight, we've come up with seven things you should have been thought in school. 

Little tips that would be a huge benefit to you in later life such as learning how to split a bill, how to sort out tax rebates and so on. If the Board of Education is reading this, we're open to discussing consultant fees.

 

7. HOW TO SEW A BUTTON

You may already know this, but I can guarantee you that at least 70% of men reading this have no clue how to sew on a button. Sure enough, you can bring it to an alternations place and get them to sew it, but you know they're judging you. They always judge you.

"Did you just a pop a button on your trousers?" --No. "Here it is, you can sew it back on, right?"

 

6. HOW AND WHERE TO VOTE

CSPE just doesn't cut it. CSPE was, no offence, always a joke class. Draw a picture of the EU Flag. Congratulations, collect your A+ paper. Politics isn't for everyone, but if you want to have a legitimate reason for shouting at the TV whenever politicians come on, start voting. Register to vote and then start voting. See? You have to register to vote. You probably didn't even know that, did you? THE SYSTEM FAILED YOU.

Plus, don't you want that smug feeling of knowing you voted? You can bring it for days afterwards. I didn't see you yesterday - I was VOTING.

 

5. HOW TO OPERATE A WASHING MACHINE

Believe it or not, there are some people who still find the prospect of operating a washing machine a terrifying experience. You probably got yourself into a relationship just because you knew the other person knew how to work a washing machine. You even brought it up, nonchalantly, on the first date.

"You're nearly 30. You still don't know how to work a washing machine?"

 

 

4. HOW TO BE PHOTOGENIC

No, stick with us on this one. This is actually a skill and can be learned. Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Hang on, you look totally different in photos." THAT'S BECAUSE THEY LEARNED HOW TO TAKE A PHOTO. It's a secret art and it can be thought. Favour one side of your face.

Stick your tongue to the top of your mouth. Don't look directly at the lens. And so on. Models learn this stuff, why can't this be thought in between Double Maths and English? Consider also the fact that 90% of people check other people's Twitter / Facebook after they meet someone. 

That little photo of you smiling stupidly looking stupid is now your first impression. Don't you wish you had a twenty-minute class in school that thought you how to smile properly? Exactly.

 

3. HOW TO SPLIT RESTAURANT BILLS

You studied maths in school. Your phone now carries a calculator. You're at a restaurant with a few people and you want to pay your bill with a minimal amount of fuss. Someone offers to divvy it up but you don't trust them. You need to be able to calculate your amount without whipping your own phone out to check their figures.

And what did the maths teacher tell you in school? "This'll come in handy some day." He was talking about derivative functions, not how to split a restaurant bill. The lying b*stard.

"Hmm, my battery's flat on my phone. Can you work out the bill so we can get out of here?"

 

2. HOW TO SPEAK IRISH

You were thought Irish for FOURTEEN YEARS. Can you say fourteen years in Irish now? No, no you can't. Unless you come from the Gaeltacht or you're a Gaelgoir. But for the rest of us, Irish remains a mystery. We can't speak it. We can only pick up words here and there and it's usually only when you've landed on TG4 and the remote's gone flat. There are a thousand and one uses for Irish in every day life.

Are you in a foreign land? Do you want to say something really pointed at something nearby? Want to make sure nobody hears / understands you? Use Irish. Trying to chat up a man / woman? Your fanciful use of 'Ta an ghrian ag tainteamh' isn't going to work unless you've something else to follow up with.

"Oh wow, can you speak some Irish?" -- Sure...

 

1. HOW TO SET UP A PRINTER

Look, it's one thing to work in IT. This stuff comes like second nature to you, probably. Again, for the rest of us plebs, it's a mystifying experience. We're sure there's probably really easy ways to hook up a printer. Maybe if we read the instructions or something, problems could have been avoided. Instead, it's 2.30 in the morning, you're covered in black ink, the printer has been smashed into pieces in frustration and your flight leaves in two hours and you've no boarding pass.

Don't you wish someone took you aside in school, sat you down and talked you through how to set up a printer? How to change ink cartridges without breaking them? No. You were too busy learning about Prussia. Prussia isn't even a real country any more. Fuck Prussia.