There's nothing quite like owning a good tuft of facial hair to improve your man-self. It looks good, feels good and can even smell good. Have you toyed with the idea of growing your own face-mane? Here's some reasons to chew on and then collect in your beard...
7. YOU CAN LET IT GROW AND NEVER HAVE TO SHAVE AGAIN
Are you sick and tired of paying for Adrien Brody, Gael Garcia Bernal and Roger Federer's lifestyle? Then stop buying razors, ya dingus. With a beard, you'll never have to worry about cutting your face with a razor or getting shaving rashes? The only thing you'll have to worry about is how you're going to batting off sexual advances from everyone around you with your beard.
(This is you realising you'll never have to buy shaving cream and razors again.)
6. YOU WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE MORE HANDSOME
Yes, really. Got a horrible-looking chin? Complexion bad? Suffer from horrible double-chin in every photo? A beard will sort those all out for you. It'll cover all manner of weirdly-shaped chins and battle scars from your misspent youth. Not only that, beards add definition to your whole face. Want your jaw-line too look even more chiselled and impressive? Throw some beardage on it and it'll look even more magnificent.
5. YOU BECOME MORE STRONGER AND MORE POWERFUL WITH A BEARD
Nobody would dare mess with a man with a beard. Beards suggest ruggedness and outdoorsiness. With a beard, you can scale mountains and fight bears who are really just jealous of your beard-hood. They wish they could have beards like you instead of that fur that they rock.
(No baseball bat can withstand the awesome power of a full beard)
4. YOU WILL BE COMPARED TO NORSE AND GREEK GODS
This is a statue of Zeus, father of Apollo and ruler of Mount Olympus. Note the powerful beard he's rocking and authorial finger-pointing. It's like he's daring you to speak out of turn so he can shove a lightning bolt up your ass.
This is a painting of Thor, the Norse god of Thunder whom we all know actually looks like Chris Hemsworth AKA Kim from Home & Away. Note also the impressive face-mane and general swole. He's even got a hammer and a cape, for Thor's sake.
The logic is undeniable, really. If you have a beard, you will have the strength and power of ancient demi-gods.
3. WOMEN AND MEN ENJOY LOOKING AT BEARDS
Regardless of your sexual orientation, everybody loves a good beard. It's a great talking point in social situations. How long you'd take to grow it? Does it get itchy? Do you use any oil to keep it so fresh-looking? Can I touch it? And then it's a hop-skip-jump until said person is undressing in front of you whilst admiring your beard.
(Accurate representation of what it's like having a beard - this actually happened, we were there and we saw it happen)
2. PEOPLE TRUST BEARDS
Beards equal experience and age. You can't be a young whipper-snapper with a beard. No, with a beard you've lived. You've seen things. You've probably worked on a boat or travelled far with a backpack and some kind of a compass. A beard tells stories whereas baby-faced men - or non-bearders, if you will - look like they've wasted their lives working for insurance companies or the civil service. You can't even enter some countries without a beard.
1. PEOPLE WHO ARE RICHER AND MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN YOU HAVE BEARDS
Did you watch the Golden Globes? It was Beard Central. Just look.
(Michael Fassbender's level of beardness is just stunning. He could run a fishing trawler with that thing.)
(Captain Kirk's got the salt and pepper look going on. Studies have shown it can level buildings if used correctly.)
(Even with the early stages of a beard, Bradley Cooper looks happy. Imagine with a fully-grown one. He'll be ecstatic.)