As you may or may not know, Pope Francis canonised Pope John Paul II today in the Vatican. You could even watch the ceremony in a cinema with 3D glasses and everything. No, really. We shit you not. Anyways, with all this happening, we thought we'd come up with a list for Frankie to consider the next time he's doing the whole sainthood-conferring thing.
14. ST. GRAHAM NORTON - PATRON SAINT OF CORK AND CHATSHOWS
You're in for it now, Tony.
13. ST. JEDWARD - PATRON SAINTS OF VERTICAL HAIR
That kind of hair-stasis is clearly not of this world.
12. ST. ANNE DOYLE - PATRON SAINT OF THE NEWS AND IMMACULATE SUITS
She's got that ice-cold stare and beautiful Versace suits that dominated the 90's. Good on you, Anne.
11. ST. DERMOT MORGAN - PATRON SAINT OF COMEDY AND GENERAL LAUGHTER
Nobody did more for making the Catholic Church seem harmless and slightly non-threatening than Father Ted. Not to mention Scrap Saturday and Father Trendy.
10. DAVE FANNING - PATRON SAINT OF MUSIC AND LONG-WINDED QUESTIONS
Ask him something about Joe Strummer and he'd turn into a two-hour religious homily on why The Clash is the greatest band ever.
9. ST. BOSCO - PATRON SAINT OF YOUR CHILDHOOD AND BOXES
The effects Bosco had on your childhood cannot be overstated. Not to mention general Irish exclamations and beautiful little opening theme tunes.
8. CHARLES HAUGHEY - PATRON SAINT OF CORRUPTION AND GENERAL ARSEHOLEDNESS
Well, look. He was a shithead. But dammit, he was our shithead. We elected him. It's not often a country democratically elects a Bond villain with his own island and combover.
7. BRENDAN GLEESON - PATRON SAINT OF BEARDS
No, better yet, we reinstate the office of High King of Ireland, crown Brendan as High King and the Gleesons become Ireland's royal family. We'll send them out to Prince William and Kate Middleton.
6. MICHAEL FASSBENDER - PATRON SAINT OF BODILY PARTS
He's clearly been blessed with... ahem.
5. SINEAD O'CONNOR - PATRON SAINT OF TATTOOS AND ROCKING A SHAVED HEAD
She also deserves a sainthood for the whole having a baby with your man with the beard.
4. PANTI BLISS - PATRON SAINT OF CROSSDRESSING PUB LANDLADIES AND GENDERBENDING
Just imagine how the Iona Institute and that crowd would react. In fact, we're expecting strongly-worded letters by the end of this list.
3. CATHAL PENDRED & CONOR McGREGOR - PATRON SAINTS OF BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE
Find yourself in a situation that requires fisticuffs? Get down on one knee and pray for their help. UPPERCUT OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.
2. LARRY GOGAN - PATRON SAINT OF CHEESY CLASSICS AND POP QUIZZES
Stuck in a pub quiz? Pray to the guy who championed the Just-A-Minute-Quiz. He'll also be able to identify the difference between 10cc, Men At Work and Toto in under five seconds.
1. BRIAN O'DRISCOLL - PATRON SAINT OF TROPHIES
He may be gone, but he will never be forgotten.