Now that 2016 is finally and mercifully coming to an end, there's a great many things we need to leave behind in this complete and utter sh*tstain of a year.
Facing into 2017, we know that we still have the prospect of nuclear annihilation thanks to Donald Trump, the reality that most films are sequels now, and many more awful things to look forward. Still, if we can do anything, we can leave these things behind in 2016 and move forward.
11. HONEY G
It's no surprise that Honey G appeared the same year that American society collapsed in on itself and elected Donald Trump or when the United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union. In a way, Honey G is like the first harbinger of the impending apocalypse. A middle-aged white woman using hip-hop and urban culture to make a name for herself on reality television. Remember all those stories you heard about asteroid strikes during the year? One of them should have hit the planet and wiped us all about because we deserve it for allowing Honey G to be a thing.
10. CULTURAL ICONS DYING
Again, this is another sign of the apocalypse. Really. David Bowie, Prince, Leonard Cohen, Alan Rickman, Pete Burns, Muhammad Ali, Terry Wogan, Gene Wilder, Glenn Fry all died in 2016. What does that say about what's coming in 2017?
9. NETFLIX AND CHILL
Hey, maybe sometimes you just want to watch something on Netflix and chill. Sometimes, you want to have sex. Stop with the pretenses, people. Just say you want someone to come over so you can get all up on each other. Christ, life's too short for bullshit.
Usain Bolt can dab if he wants to because he's Usain Bolt. You parking your shitty car or flipping a bottle perfectly does not deserve a dab. You deserve a slap for thinking that it does.
7. JK ROWLING RUINING HARRY POTTER BY REVEALING EVERY F*CKING ASPECT OF IT
Do we really care about Harry Potter's fifth-cousin-twice-removed cousin and what dormitory they stayed in the fictional school? No. Nobody cares. Anywhere. At all. Move on, JK Rowling. Come up with something new.
JK Rowling, chain smoking under a bridge: "Hey kid! Hey! Gimme five bucks and I'll tell ya what Gary Potter's dick looked like"
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) September 9, 2016
6. LIP SYNC BATTLES
Lip Sync Battles, but with no music and it's just celebrities mouthing and trying to flail around a stage. Sure, you've got to promote your film / album / TV show / whatever it is you're doing, but do you need to ruin other people's music with your extraness?
5. MANNEQUIN CHALLENGES
You stood still and somebody walked around with a camera. That's not a f*cking challenge at all.
4. FACEBOOK MEMORIES
Listen here, Zuckerberg. I don't want to be reminded of the awful taste I have in clothes / music / men / women. I'm reminded of that every day. I don't need a f*cking billionaire reminding that in 2012, I was in a shitty nightclub with some assholes I don't talk to anymore. I don't need that reminder in my life that I was a dumbass five years ago. If you want to remind me of anything, you can remind me to log off your poxy website / app or, better yet, how fake news put a fat man with terrible tan in charge of the US.
3. KILLER CLOWNS
Did nobody realise that all this sh*t was staged? They just HAPPENED to have a camera rolling at the exact moment a clown appears in an alleyway? Cop on, like.
2. SNAPCHAT FILTERS
Put beautiful flowers or dog ears isn't going to change the fact that you're ugly as sin, people.
1. HONEY G
She's so terrible, we're putting her in here twice. F*CK HONEY G. BUILD A ROCKET, PUT HER IN IT, AND FIRE IT INTO SPACE AND NEVER LOOK BACK.