So you've been invited to a Halloween party, and you don't want to be the only person there who's not in costume.
Frankly, that looks much more stupid than the stupidest of costumes, but you also don't want to spend much time or money coming up with a costume that you could wear and still make it look like you thought this through and are incredibly creative.
Not to worry, we've got you sorted, as we have a few costumes that you can make with the minimum of effort, at low or no cost, and that are...well they're alright, but look, what do you expect? It's Halloween today for feck sake, you left this way too late you eejit.
Lover her/him or hate him/her, Mrs. Brown certainly gets people talking, and her costume is pretty easy to pull off, especially for guys because you're supposed to still look like a man. All you need is access to your granny's closet to find an ill-fitting pink jumper, a cheap wig (nip out on your lunch break) and a pair of your mum's glasses from the 1970s. She still has them, because "you never know when you might need them again".
Fill out the extra space with pillows, cotton wool and balloons, if required.
50 Shades of Grey
Grab everything grey from your closet that you own, and put it on. You are 50 Shades of Grey, and claim that you're a conceptual costume. If you need to jazz things up a bit, add a piece of jewelry with a cross on it and you're Christian Grey. Get it? Ah, you don't get it.
The man with a penchant for biting people. Grab yourself a blue or red t-shirt or a football jersey (preferably a Uruguay, Barcelona or Liverpool one), throw in some of those cheap fangs that every shop will be selling, and it's job done. Add a cape if you want to go all Count Luis on it.
The Ghost of the Garth Brooks Croke Park concerts
We all remember the summer's biggest scandal, which was of course the Garth Brooks concerts. If our calculations are correct, there should be a stetson in every disappointed household around the country, so grab that, all the denim your wardrobe has (bonus points are awarded for the jacket) and make up a Father Ted-style 'Down With This Sort of Thing' placard for the added effect. According to our talented photoshop artists, it should look something like this:
Alternatively, say you're going to go to the party, but only if they have it for five nights in a row, and ask if they've checked with the neighbours. Remember though, this is a touchy subject still for many people, so know your audience.
TV Licence Inspector
One of the few costumes on the list today that is genuinely scary, all you need for this is a lanyard and a clip board, and then you can pretty much wear what you want. Spend your time at the party near the TV, and that will make the look complete.
This is easier if you have access to a fair amount of women's underwear: simply attach them to your clothes, and then make a cardboard gate, like this American football fan has, out of cardboard. We are aware that it's a fence, but like we said, you should have come up with something better yourself, otherwise we all wouldn't be in this mess.
Given recent developments, if you have a games controller, you could also go as Gamergate. People need to stop naming things 'gate', in other news.
This one is topical and simple. All you need to do is get a water bottle and a phone charger, and you are water charges. People will hate you for this, but they might also fear you.
Paulie from Love/Hate
Yes, if people haven't seen last week's Love/Hate yet, they may be annoyed at you for spoiling it, but come on, what self-respecting Love/Hate fan hasn't seen that episode? To dress as Paulie, you will simply require any leather jacket, a bit of stubble - not too much mind, he's only a young fella - and here's the dark part of it all; red paint all over your head for blood. Yes, we went there. For added creepiness, please include a teddy bear from the zoo for Siobhan.
This one requires slightly more effort, and you also need to have four (other) incredibly ripped and good looking mates. Basically, you want to dress as the stages of the McConaissance, with one of you without their shirt, another leaning sideways (rom-com era McConaughey) and so on, all the way down to the guy with the moustache and ponytail in True Detective.
Only the one of you dressed like the last stage (above) can drink though, the others are too ripped for that.
The Garda Whistleblowing Scandal
This requires a few accessories, and if you have access to a police uniform then all the better. If not, simply go as a plain clothes detective, get a coffee cup from Insomnia (essential) and throw a whistle in to the mix, which you can periodically blow if you want to annoy everyone at the party. You can carry around a folder with "confidential" written on it too, if you want.