What drove Michael Flatley to release 'Blackbird' in 2022?
Was it simply that our civilisation is on the verge of collapse, ecological apocalypse is looming, and people just don't care anymore? Maybe. At any rate, our entire list for the worst movies of 2022 are devoted to Michael Flatley's vanity project. That's right, folks. Every single entry on this list is 'Blackbird'. Every. Last. One.
Here's our own review from earlier this year. We awarded it one star because the cameras were turned on and facing the right way.
Here's Mark Kermode's review from his YouTube channel. Kermode correctly points out that it's so terrible it probably isn't even worth watching for a laugh.
Here's Peter Bradshaw's review of 'Blackbird' in the Guardian. Fun fact - not one single outlet in Ireland got an interview with Michael Flatley, except for the red carpet.
For this entry, we asked a neural net - InferKit - to write this particular entry.
Time can't seem to catch up to Irishman, actor, musician and dancer, Michael Flatley. Time, or better said - THE TIMES - tried to catch up with Mr. Flatley over a lifetime, and now it has.
Michael Flatley is a terrible actor. His awful acting career is officially over, following the horrendous failure of his latest film 'Blackbird' which flopped at the US box office last month, earning an atrocious 1% of its eventual box office take.
For this entry, we asked the Text Generation AI from DeepAI.org to write this piece. We fed it the following prompt - Write a negative 300-word review of Michael Flatley's Blackbird.
"I have a problem with saying this is a horror series… but if you want to know how to say a negative review, then you'll know what to do and then what not to say. And to say an author likes a story that's negative is about saying a negative review, not about what the reviewers are saying in the first place."
As it happens Flatley has been to many horror reviews of The Nightmare Before Christmas so far, his reviews are generally very descriptive. It's an odd fact that Flatley has been to many horror reviews. He was asked about the series as well, mentioning the title of the book without a hint of its purpose.
"I wasn't asked about doing it for a living, I just wanted to find and write a monster story that would stand the test of time and that would sit in the canon, that would stand the test of popularity."
For a film based on his horror work, Flatley is perhaps correct. He will not be doing the films without writing the film. His original work had a similar character and plot, "so much so that it may go down as one of the most popular works, as it's one hell of a creative outlet for the horror genre."
Here's Luke Dunne's review over in FilmInDublin. Keep an eye out for a bit involving the lounge singer who needs to fuck Victor Blackley more than she needs air to breathe.
We asked StarryAI to create an image of Michael Flatley reading a negative review of 'Blackbird'. Gaze upon the computer-imagined horror it created.
Here's Donald Clarke's review of 'Blackbird' over in the Irish Times. You think we're going to break from this bit? Guess again, pal.
For this entry, we fed our review of 'Blackbird' into three different generators - the first paragraph was a Piratespeak generator, the second a Shakesperean generator, and the third was a Jar Jar Binks generator.
Goin' into 'Blackbird', the initial fearrr that there prevailed been that there this here been goin' to be competent. Boringly competent. The kind o' dreck that there chokes to the sky streamin' platforms, week after week, an' ne'er really makes any impact or lastin' impression. There's an entire industry built out o' action movies with semi-recognisable actors appearin' in it fer a scene or two, an' they be generally quite competent if a little stilted. The poster certainly looked like one o' them, an' the trailer seemed to suggest this here been the case.
All those fears did disappear the minute Michael Flatley - h'reaft'r known as the champain one - hath opened his that from which we speak and hath said his first line. The fears beganeth to subside at which hour that gent wast the only p'rson standing in the raineth in a throng of people with nay umbrella at a excit'ment'ral, but those gents did flash hence the minute that gent spake. Th're is something about the champain one's deliv'ry of lines, the way that gent arranges himself on screen, his v'ry presence, yond is just at odds with reality. F'r someone who is't hast hath spent a careth'r in showeth business and hast been quite successful at t, that gent seemeth completely out of his depth on screen. His lines art deliv'r'd in a blank monotone. "I'm firing on all cylind'rs," that gent sayeth with the intensity of a gentle chewit. At which hour that gent gets into a scrap with a henchman, t's ov'r in a matt'r of seconds with two punches and some fabulously did arrange blood spatt'rs. At which hour that gent hast a romantic moment with female charact'rs, t just looks uneasy and strange.
Indeed, 'Blackbird' mui less of an actioner den da posters and da trailer suggesten. If anything, it's more close to some kind of romance between him and nicole evans, but it just doesn't maken sense. His charactah haunted by da death of his fiancée, who never gets a single word of dialogue other den muffled screams and about twenty years more young den him. How da audience supposed to empathise? well, mui liken poochie da dog, everyone talken about him when hesa not on screen. In fact, everyone in disa movie just seems to besa talken about da flat una's charactah to other characters, or talken to him wit other characters presenten. In other words, if dalee's a romance hair, it's not wit nicole evans' charactah. Da romance wit da flat una himself.
The movie is going to be available on iTunes, Amazon, Google, Microsoft, Sky, Virgin and Rakuten and other streaming services from next Monday. Good times.