Where to begin with this shower of sh*tehawks today.

OK, for those who didn't see it, Fusion took on board Jamie, Kieran and Ciara, while Bill announced Caroline was to be PM. He then ushered Glenda Gilson (Michelle 'hybrid accent' Massey), the non-comedic  Niamh, and Sarah over to Elev8, to be managed by Panos. I'm struggling to hold off on an extremely juvenile penis joke. Oohp, too late.

Anyway, the purpose of this week's task was to promote Lucozade Lite. Job done. The end. You can all stop reading now.

Oh, and Niamh Humphrey's - she who frequents the back of cars and can't use certain phones - was finally fired by Bill. This, unsurprisingly, came as a total surprise to (no one else but) her.

Stobbit. I'm not going to be nasty. It's hard to be overtly mean about someone who says "I'm going to close my eyes. I'm not sleeping, I close my eyes when I'm tinking" *closes eyes for a good while, before announcing she thinks a good billboard for Lucozade Lite would involve a plant being watered with the product before sprouting a grown man's arm*. She also had a cracking idea depicting the product as an industrial strength washing powder... or a sex toy given the additional suggestion of "a Lady comes home from work and sits on a washing machine". This is probably why she got very enthused by Jamie's "camel" idea.

To Jamie, camels signify rehydration. Of course they do. Why, a camel seeking out a gym residing water cooler, that's a goer. It's a wonder they didn't call gymnasiums the length and breadth of the country for their billboard model instead of hassling Dublin Zoo and Duffy's Circus.

Elev8, meanwhile, couldn't decide on what they wanted. Funnily enough, Will came up with a Messianic theme of a jogger running across water while being attacked by multicolour lightening. Dave decided this week he was insisting on a not-at-all-dated Capoeira theme, while Barry kept barking "WATER'S FOR WIMPS!" When that was discounted for being a bit insulting to the billions of water quaffing souls, Barry C.Hunt refused to give it up. "You're asking me to choose an idea when none of my ideas are on the board." This added a good two hours to the "brainstorming " session and ended with Barry literally backing Panos against a wall, forcibly demanding some love.

OK, let's wrap things up here - Elev8 ordered 30 models, 15 of each gender, and then sent all the females home without seeing them. Barry - after enjoying a 'casual day' in which he only conversed with his male teammates - then delivered the most "tingling" of pitches, complete with a lethargic dry ice machine. Meanwhile, Caroline showcased her camel to less than rapturous reception; Kieran, the non-gambling poker professional, yet again willingly took credit for all the work, claiming his teammates were all piggybacking on his ability to knock together a backup plan on a bit of paper. Lucozade didn't go for the camel; Caroline, "showing her loyalties clearly", spared her boys, taking Ciara and Niamh back into the boardroom; Bill turned to Niamh (after saying the usual "I can't be listenin' to dis all day") and said "You're not living up to your CV." Given she claimed to be an expert in sales ("cold calling is my strengt [sic]") and design ("I've done this before, visually I do things..."), and failed to mention that phones were an issue for her, that had to be the understatement of the series. Despite this, she refused to give Caroline a hug upon leaving. Clearly maturity wasn't her forte either. Immaturity makes for damn good telly, though. 

Line of the night: When Bill said to Kieran: "So, you weredn't completely behind deh camel."

Roll on the proper Apprentice this Wednesday, where people can actially shtring a sentence togevvah, an ting (9.00pm, BBC1)

The Apprentice Round Up: Week 2