Last night's show was, in a word, disappointing. Oh, and predictable.
I was disappointed as we were promised a breakdown. All we got was some moist eyes off Ciara 'cause she was lumbered with frustration personified for yet another task (Bill left the teams unchanged from last week). The person I'm referring to is, of course, Barry Caesar Hunt, a man who little time for women - unless he can borrow a euro off an ole wan when in need of a shopping trolley.
If he were reading this, he'd probably be bellowing something along the lines of: "What the f***, I bleedin' luv wimmin', what's this dozy **** rabbiting on abouh, hah?" In which case, let me rephrase. He probably appreciates the rudiments of the female form, but when it comes to actually listening to their suggestions or conversing with them, he might as well hit them over their heads with his enormous wang and haul them out the door by their hair. In one of his oh-so-off-the-cuff camera asides, mentor Brian Purcell accused Ciara of not integrating. Well, you try hanging around with a herd of women who either ignore your every utterance, and only engage when they want to roar about the calorific content of a banana and get back to me.
As for the predictability factor, well, it was clear who was going to go - especially when the boys failed the task and Beardy Man (David) brought back in Chocolate Man (Will) and Sir Talksalot (Jamie). Chocolate Man and Sir Talksalot were never going to be kicked off the telly so early on in the series. Now, if he'd brought back in Panos, he might've had a fighting chance. So sterling a strategist was Beardy Features that he brought back in the one person who turned himself into an octopus during the task, rather than the fellah Will was attempting to verbally spar with about "trends" before the boys were told "You can go back into the boardroom now" by the Desk Droid.
For those of you who didn't see it, I suppose you want to know what the task entailed. Well, The two teams had to devise a menu for Unislim (plug x 3), record a radio advert and then decide the best approach to frittering away a fictional €10k marketing spend on ad slots on Today FM. In short, both menus were paltry, uninspiring and lacked anything resembling greenery. Both radio adverts were about informative and enjoyable as being murdered in a toasted cheese sandwich maker at the hands of a crazed turkey burger. Both pitches were below par: Jamie the Octopus took an age to meander towards the point, but he appeared to be the very embodiment of witty repartee when compared with *checks spelling* Nagaite's efforts. The girl's TL started off her pitch by addressed Unislim as Unitrim, and then repeatedly excused herself ad nauseum I started to think she was dropping SBDs.
The boy's brochure looked pretty nifty thanks to Kieron (who attempted to take full credit for himself, and why not), while Niamh Humphrey's effort appeared to be a plain sheet of A4 paper with text on it. Seemingly Nagaite put the Humprhreys in charge of the girls' menu brochure as designing, like cold calling, is also one of her "strengts". When she designed something Nagaite wasn't keen on, she refused to change it in anyway, instead folding her arms and saying "I think it's shit" (Tara disagreed. For a change). Instead of working with her team leader to create something that could feasibly work, she clambered up on an unusually loft donkey, and bleated: "I've done this before, visually I do things..." Her claims moved into pathological liar territory when she tried to defend herself in the boardroom, saying she offered to do the presentation (much to the bemusement of the rest of the team), as "I have business presenting probably on most days". Riiiight.
The last piece of the task involved spending their fictional €10k on Today FM ad slots. Michelle managed to do this. While Jamie the octopus didn't quite hit the mark. Naturally the girls won. For the purposes of television.
In his interview with today's Irish Daily Mail, Beardy David had this to say of the show: "I know that I definitely wasn't playing up to what the Irish version of the Apprentice is looking for. The key difference is the Irish one is a lot more focused on personal conflict and seeing other people throw others under a bus. I think the Irish Apprentice is more about setting people up for a fall and having a laugh, and that's what Irish people want to watch. Here it's about making 12 or 13 out as an eejit, two that are OK, and one who is good enough for Bill, whereas the American version is about 11 good contenders and one superstar. We like to make people look foolish."
Right on, fellah, and don't think you didn't play your part. Suren wasn't it yourself who thought trying to sell Carlton hotel cards to the staff at Bill Cullen's garage was a good idea.
And I've also devoted this week's 'Quote of the night' to you: "I do think I'm creative. It's just my creativity is informed by research."
