We're not encouraging people to go out onto the streets and start just murdering people left and right. That isn't this at all.
Rather, this story about a man who goes on a Tinder date is the kind of thing where you'll hope and pray for a giant asteroid to wipe out humanity as we know it so we can start over. It's the kind of thing where you'll truly wonder if we as a species are justified in continuing on, and whether or not Rust Cohle in 'True Detective' was right about sentience being some kind of cosmic joke.
Read, be horrified, know that this is some truly awful sh*t.
I am about to tell you an epic tale about subterfuge, dating in the 21st century and the fall of human civilization. This actually happened to me and it could happen to you too. Get some popcorn. *Thread*
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
So a few weeks ago I was on the Tinder machine shopping my soul around and I match with a very attractive young lady. No bio. Fairly innocuous.
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I message her some random shit and we chat for an hour or so and she says "here's my number text me" I'm like okay sure thing.
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I text her n we make small talk abt work for a bit then she goes, "actually, I have this huge presentation Im workin on for my job, would you be offended if I got back to you in like a week or two when Ive got more free time? Youre cute and I want to meet you Im just too busy rn"
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I thought well that's an overly elaborate way to ghost someone. I say "lol I wouldn't be offended, I totally get it. Hit me up when you're free"
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
She says "thank you, I was worried you would think I was trying to blow you off haha but for sure I'll text you in like a week, I'm excited" in my head I'm like sssssssuuuuurrrreeee I respond "😊"
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
Two weeks pass I completely forget about her then I remember and go back to tinder and I can't find the conversation. � I think well that's weird she deleted her tinder but I take it as... overly elaborate ghosting methods
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
Then yesterday I get a text "HEY IM FINALLY FREE LMAO... my friend is DJing near Union square around 6 tomorrow I was wondering if you wanted to go for a bit then we could go get drinks after and see what happens"
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I'm like well I'll be damned. Genuinely didn't think she would message me. I reply "yeah I should be free, I'd be down" she says "amazing I'm gonna be running around today and tomorrow but just come around 6 and I'll meet you by the stage then we'll head out"
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I say sure thing, looking forward to it. This morning she texts me at 9 am "hey it's gonna rain today but I think it should clear up in time for our date" I'm like cool, I'll be there
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I play football with @mersrulesworld_ earlier today and express my incredulity at the situation. I find her Instagram it says singer, actress, model, 3000 followers and I'm like uugghhhh I dunno bro, THIS SHIT FEELS OFF but fuck it
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I make my way to Union Square. Eat a hot dog and look over by this open lot by 17th Ave and there is a stage and a DJ and about 100 ppl and cameras and shit and I think well this is some random ass Manhattan shit.
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
She texts me "hey I'm running a little late but just meet me by the stage then we can go" I wasn't gonna stand in front of the fucking stage so I stand off to the side a bit
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
Eventually I see a girl moving towards backstage with two enormous bodyguards in sunglasses and realise it's her and I'm thinking WHAT THINE FUCKETH IS GOING ON
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I stay back and assess the situation and I'm like fuck I'mma stay right where I am til she texts me. The DJ eventually stops playing and she gets on the stage and I'm so fucking confused but think well I guess she's a social media personality or some shit
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I immediately think I'm too fucking old for this shit.
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
She gets the mic and is like thanks for coming out I bet you're all wondering what this is about and I'm like yeah what the fuck is this about
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
She then says so I know all of you here are on tinder and I'm like 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
Then she says I've invited you all here for a chance to go on a date with me and proceeds to give a hunger games speech about what its gonna take to date her
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
ALL THE DUDES THERE SHE FOUND ON TINDER AND TEXTED THEM THE SAME SHIT
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
Every man in the crowd looks down and mimes WHAT IN THE NAME OF SCOOBY DOO THE IS THIS SHIT to themself
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
At that point I am genuinely amazed at the fallopian fortitude this girl possesses. This is top 10 greatest finesse of all time. Dudes actually stayed and played.
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I went home.
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
I TRUST NO ONE. I TRUST NOTHING ANYMORE. VANITY WILL BE THE DEMISE OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION. DON'T GET GOT. THE END.
— миша (@bvdhai) August 19, 2018
So, if you didn't read through all of that, here's a quick summary - humanity is a mistake, society has reached an endpoint where nothing can exist anymore, vanity is the ultimate sin and we are all to blame for this. And just in case you think to yourself that maybe this is some kind of stunt - which it is, technically - there's actually video evidence of the whole thing unfolding.
It's... horrifying. And exactly why a meteor needs to wipe us all out, 'Deep Impact' style.