Lord above, this week has been a largley on the snoresome side. You know, apart from an Osbourne fleetingly harnessing some sex appeal; Axl Rose's time keeping; and Sir Bob's embittered feelings towards the Beatles. And the news of Charlie Brooker's nuptials *stares wistfully out window for several minutes*. Oh, and the Emmys.
So, it's fitting to finish off a yawnfest week than with news of Cheryl and Ashley's divorce. Well, it's not exactly news, we all knew they were divorcing, but it's made the front pages nonetheless.
The Sun reports: "The couple's case - referred to only by their initials - topped a list of splits scheduled for this morning (29 in total apparently Why bother getting married? Just buy a nice ring, have a 'Love Day' with a few mates and family, and live together... aahhh, but there's no tax breaks for that. Sound). X Factor's Cheryl, 27, filed for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour by England ace Ashley, 29. The process to formally dissolve the pair's shattered four-year marriage began at 10am - and was over in less than 60 seconds. In a procedure taking just seconds, district judge Christopher Simmonds granted the decree nisi in court nine. After a six-week cooling-off period the decree absolute will be granted - leaving no legal connection between the stars. Cheryl's legal team first sent papers to Cole last May and filed for divorce. Cole responded immediately - accepting his infidelity had wrecked the marriage. The process stalled after Girls Aloud singer Cheryl - full name Cheryl Ann Cole - caught malaria in July and did not request the decree nisi... Neither star attended."
An ever present source, who just happened to be at hand, added: "Cheryl is in the States but is watching things very closely. She is relieved and pleased things have progressed significantly since her illness (which I suspect was set up purely for the purposes for PR. Cynical, moi?). She just wants to move on with her life and getting the divorce done will end a very painful chapter. It must not be forgotten Cheryl did not ask for this - the last thing she expected was to be a divorcee at 27. But once she accepted there was no way the marriage could work without the trust destroyed by her husband, the pill was a slightly less bitter one to swallow. She and Ashley have no need to stay in touch and all housing and assets will be handled by their legal representatives."
The piece then comes to a close with: "Cheryl had initially stated she did not want a penny from Chelsea defender Cole. But it has emerged she can expect up to £4.5million after the sale of assets and property including the couple's Surrey mansion."
Every cloud.