Mark our words, these five things will happen in 2014. If they don't come to pass, no one will remember this post, so it's fine. If they do come to pass, you'll have this post flung repeatedly in your face.

1) Bruce Jenner will get a boob job, no biggie, he just always wanted one. He may or may not do a name switcheroo to Jenny Bruce.

2) Karen Koster and/or Amy Huberman will be with child. Not to put any extra pressure on them or anything, I'm just getting hammered with the "Sooooo, are you having a/nother baby?" question, so I'm assuming they are too. We're of an age, don't you know.

3) We may have mentioned previously that Miley Cyrus made Barbara Walters' Ten Most Fascinating People of 2013 list. The term 'fascinating' means that the person in question must leave something to the imagination. Therefore, next year, Miley Cyrus will have no option but to play homage to Robbie Williams' Rock DJ video, from the 2:55 minute mark. Or she'll really shock everyone by putting her clothes back on.

4) Kim and Kanye will make a sex tape. Between her waning popularity and his self-imposed vow of silence, it's the only way forward. Cue wind machines pointing in the wrong directions, Vaseline slicked lenses, body doubles, and so on. They'll call it Bound 2 Suck or The Kimye Sutra. 

5) Former reality TV contestants will be found in frozen burgers and lasagnes. Anyone seen Joe McElderry lately?

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