All in all, it was a pretty interesting and messy start to the live shows of The X Factor this year. We had blatant ratings grabbing with an appearance from One Direction, performances from Leona Lewis and Ne-Yo, a predictable Wildcard entry, dire song choices, and then Louis ballsing everything up and revealing the scam that is reality television. What's that sound? That would be the ship sinking.
Before the actual singing kicked off on Saturday night, we got to find out which one of the Wildcards was through. We had crying/shaking Liverpudlian Chris Maloney, impossibly handsome and stubbly Adam Burridge, ridiculously good-looking Blue Steel-ers Times Red, and oh-so-talented lumpy space princess/Adele-alike Amy Mottram. And of course, instead of giving us some hotness for at least a week, or exceptional singing talent, Chris got through and we are denied this.
Curse you voting public.
Then we started the singing. First up were GMD3, newly renamed District 3 because Louis loves numbers and The Hunger Games. They performed a God-awful version of Tina Turner's Simply The Best and tanked. Verdict: 2/10, if only for being in tune as they butchered the song, and for Louis' terrible pun.
Second out of the gate was James Arthur, all arms and Deirdre Barlow glasses nowhere to be seen. Nicole showed us clearly in the VT that the X Factor PR department are pushing James for this years hot bad boy vote, with tabloid titles like 'X Factor playboy'. Nice effort but we're not buying it. Anyway, Tattooed Barlow sang Kelly Clarkson's Stronger, and did an admirable performance, sticking some rapping in the middle for good measure, but nothing to write home about. Gary thinks he's losing his rough edge getting all X Factored up and we agree. More edge Barlow. Verdict: 6/10
Then it was Gary's turn with the first of the Overs, Melanie Masson. Looking like an extra from Hair, and pretty much sounding like it too, Melanie wailed her way through The Beatles' With a Little Help from My Friends, but it was pretty damn good wailing. We've moved on from The X Factor being 'second chance stories', with the goal of the show now being marketable pop that teens will throw their (parents) money at. So as good as Melanie is, she probably won't go further than Week 6. Shame. Verdict: 7/10
Next up was Kate Nash Lucy Spraggan. She sang an original song we can't really remember, something about traveling. Anyway, it was super boring and everyone lauded her for her 'bravery' in coming out and singing her own tune. Everyone forgot to tell her the song was sh*t. Although, one wonders if she's actually being very clever in doing her own songs and reaping in the royalties from iTunes because she knows she won't win. If she is, then we have to give her props. Still, nearly fell asleep when she was on. Verdict: 3/10
Then it was back to Louis and the Groups, and 'urban' act MK1. I say 'urban' because whenever anyone on this show says it, they make it sound like it's something from a far away land, lost eons ago under the sea. 'Urban' is not the heart of the ocean from Titanic. It's a genre that exists. Get over it. Anyway, MK1 came out and sang a mash-up of Champions/Everyone's A Winner, which had all the bravado and production that Cher Lloyd had back in 2010, so they're clearly going down that route. Which is good because they have talent, but we're not sure how they're going to handle niche weeks. Urban meets Disco will be something to behold. Verdict: 6/10
Next came Tangoed Shakey Crying Man, with Mariah Carey's Hero. Granted he sang it well, but snore. As with Melanie Masson, the show and the audience have moved on. The pity and parochial vote system however remains strong. Verdict: 4/10
Union J then had the honour of destroying Queen classic Don't Stop Me Now, which was painful on the ears and painful to watch, although their screaming teen girl fanbase would disagree. They're probably going to stick around far longer then they should, but at least they're pretty, and give Caroline Flack something to do. Verdict: 1/10 (One point for being pretty)
Then it was second of the girls Jade Ellis, who looked amazing but was kind of lacklustre with Enrique's Hero. She sang it fine but it didn't sit with her tone and her style and just seemed off. Which is a shame because the girl deserves to go far. Fingers crossed. Verdict: 6/10 (Bonus points for having a good old fashioned sob story motivation. She just wants a garden for her daughter. Nawww.)
Can we just pause for a moment on Rylan. Rylan is BLATANTLY in the competition because they needed a character. No one comes near him in turns of actual TV entertainment. Boy just needs a camera and a spotlight and we get TV gold. Which made his ensemble and performance of Spandau Ballet's Gold all the more appropriate. He's not going to win, and no he isn't the best singer, but could you imagine what the night would have been like if he had been absent? We would have slept right on through. Anyway, Gary hated him, everyone else congratulated him for being a 'performer' and we enjoyed the spectacle of it. Verdict: 5/10
Only boy in the Overs category Kye Sones was next with MJ's Man in the Mirror. Complete with gospel choir accompaniment, he key changed and riffed and did all the bits but again with the snore factor. The boy can sing, yes, but has no personality. All we know is he used be a chimney sweep. We would have preferred a cover of Chim Chim Cher-ee to be honest. At least it would have been relevant. Verdict: 4/10
Then it was the last of the girls and Ella Henderson. Hands down, Ella deserves to win. Yes she had off moments in her version of Take That's Rule The World, but girl can sing, and if going by nothing other than gut feeling (and a look at YouTube viewing numbers), unless she kills a kitten on live TV or denies the Holocaust, Ella has this show in the bag. Delighted. Verdict: 9/10
Second to last was Carolynne Poole, proving that Starships by Nicki Minaj is actually the worst song to ever exist. Ever. Why Gary Barlow thought a countrified version of this would work is anyone's guess, but at least Carolynne tried. She can move AND sing at the same time, which would put her in the upper half of the competition. If only she had sang something better she might still be in the running... Verdict: 4/10
Last and sort-of-almost-least-but-still-better-than-most, Jahmene Douglas decided to crap all over John Lennon's Imagine. Stop it X Factor. It didn't work when Cher Lloyd did it, it didn't work when Eoghan Quigg did it, and it didn't work with Jahmene. Stop trying to make fetch happen. Anyway, Jahmene did his wailing thing and then was all demure and everyone went 'awww' and we fell asleep again. Verdict: 4/10
So that was Saturday. It was Sunday that kicked off the sh*tstorm.
Sunday's results show began with a boob-off between Tulisa and Nicole. We can't decide who won, Tulisa got the squish right but Nicole had the cupping factor. A tie for week one. Then we had a shock/horror moment with a group number with no miming. What sorcery is this?! Unfortunately we had to hear the song that will not die, Read All About It by Emeli Sandé, who is presumably swimming in money á la Scrooge McDuck by now. We then got to hear an amazingly gúna-ed Leona Lewis and her new tune Trouble, followed by Ne-Yo who stuck his name on his hat in case we forgot who he was. Easy to find if he loses it too.
Then we got down to the voting and - lo and behold - wasn't it only Rylan and Carolynne. So we were either going to lose the entertainment for the next ten weeks, or the girl who didn't make it last year and then had the worst year ever. Not good. Rylan sang a horrific version of One Night Only and Jennifer Holiday threw herself into the ocean in agony. Carolynne countered this with Faith Hill's There You'll Be, which she full-on nailed and made us wonder whatever happened to Faith Hill (she's still touring and making music stateside). Which left it to the four judges to decide.
Everything was fine with the voting, Nicole stuck by Rylan as expected, Gary with Carolynne, and Tulisa saved Carolynne because she was amazing and deserved it blah blah blah. Then it was Louis. Louis, Louis, Louis. You've been here nine years. You know how this works. A producer even came and whispered in your ear during the sing off. And yet you still made a balls of it. You whimpered, you welled up, you ran through your back catalogue of "they both want it so much/I like them both/they both deserve to be here", and then you made a balls of it. First you said you wanted to save Carolynne. Then whimpered that you wanted to save Rylan. Then when Dermot got all angry and grownup on you (which was great), you cried 'Deadlock' and screwed over poor Carolynne all over again, and guaranteed a media storm for the next week. We don't know what dirt they have on you LouLou, but it must be bad...
