EastEnders: Mr. Mitchell is definitely part feline... This week, Jack had all he can take of Phil trying to snatch Sharon off him, so he left Mr. CatONineLives for dead in The Arches' car pitt. He made the expected swift recovery, however, pulling out his cracked out face for a roarfest in the Vic. And who left there was anything left to roar after Jack bellowed his bits off for no good reason. In more macabre happenings; Kirsty suggested that the Brannings throw a birthday party for the recently deceased Derek to cheer up Alice. Really it was to get Tanya's swooshy stockings in a twist. Masood agreed to a date with the murmuring Geordie, which wasn't good news for Carol's aching loins, and Lucy got her scan results.

Coronation Street: Eva's got herself in knots about letting her grandmother's ex(ish)-fiance down easily, you know - after he asked her to be his traveling "companion", but she needn't have worried so much - he popped his clogs in the middle of the Rovers. It didn't take Gloria long to find out where she stood in the will stakes. Mandy was also in 'mourning'; Lloyd told her that her pet tortoise had died during hibernation so he dutifully had him cremated. Mandy, however, got a call from the good folk at the local dump, who found poor Flash roaming the rubbish. Gail finds herself taking refuge at Sally's (as did Flash, as it happens) when David kicked her out after one too many jibes at a recovering Kylie. Sophie, in uncharacteristically unchristian form, immediately tried getting David to take Gail back; Tyrone let Fiz visit him in prison, if only to deploy the "you need to forget about me and move on with your life" speech of the lame; while Katy and Ryan cosied up behind the kebab shop counter after all of 5 minutes working together.

Emmerdale: We were subjected to yet another week of Rachel and Sam making moo eyes at each other, culminating in the most nauseating first kiss ever to be broadcast at teatime. Couples who also managed to copulate, included Brenda and Bob. Shame Brenda suffered a bad turn afterwards. She tried blaming 'the change' but it's looking more like epilepsy at the minute. Also collapsing in a heap, we had Edna. Luckily Mister James found her, leading the hovering hat to admit the extent of her dire situation. Poor Paddy, we thought the pensioner would open up to him after all the concerned roaring he's done through her front door. Nicola tried getting Thomas a job at the pub, with Chas, who he wants dead. Everyone seemed OK with this plan, apart from Cameron, of course.

Fair City: While Niamh and Paul fretted themselves silly over the possibility of prison, Eddie manipulated Wayne in order to get his mitts on Dolores' savings. Jo's desperation escalated when Dermot insisted that he's never coming home. Face it, Jo, he's just not that into you. Ama made a decision to take control of her future, after a confrontation with Laura. She also got it on with Damien - that being Ama, not Laura, on account of the latter a) being his sister and b) being more fond of the ladies.