Would anyone like to enlighten me as to what exactly happened in Fair City this week? They found Lana's necklace, and Mick set about blackmailing Leo (the over-expressive gobshite). Then, eh, nothing. Is she dead, is she alive? Are they dragging this out even further to simply torture all of us who are forced to partake in this four-times-weekly acidic eye wash? Lana went missing about a year ago. Now, f**k knows where the actress who played her went, but I have a feeling that RTE aren't sure if she's coming back or not - so are throwing in the odd chestnut just to remind people that yes, once there was a storyline about some Russian broad who pulled a Houdini and now she may, or may not, be brown bread. Frankly, we've all got better things to be doing. Elsewhere, it was the same auld shite with Paul and Ali still at each other's throats at the garage. The more Ali works there, the more I'd like to see her come to a messy demise.

On Emmerdale, Carl fell for Anna, they necked, she told him she liked him and then he went on his merry way to tell Lexi to essentially eat s**t and die. But the former prison bowling ball had something up her sleeve, and it wasn't a shiv. She spilled the beans and told him that Carrie told her that he killed Tom. This sends Carl into reverse and he does a complete 180, falling back into Lexi's arms. Anna didn't take the rejection kindly, and warned Carl that he'd regret it. Jesus love, just find someone else instead of vowing vengeance. It's not hard, have you tried the 'net? Tons of dating sites, and most blokes don't just have their mickeys out - although that does depend on what site you try.

On Eastenders, Jim came home for his birthday, giving Dot a big smile on her craggy mush. Ya have to feel bad for Jim, though, the poor geriatric bastard. Elsewhere, Wellard went to the big doggy heaven in the sky when Bianca brought him to the vet, and was told that the flea-ridden mongrel was on his last legs. Just tell one of the kids he has cat-like tendencies, and then throw him out the window. Hey, that's as humane a death as you can get. Just kidding, people, I love animals - and in any case, if anyone was going out the window, it would be Bianca. Elsewhere, Denise warned Suzie that Phil was responsible for Kevin's death. Kevin's dead? That little cockney shite from the Blur video? Ah, he was about as useful as a treadmill at Pat's gaff anyway.

On Corrie, one of the plotlines from a similar ITV show was regurgitated when Deirdre recognised one of the characters in Ken's book, dutifully cracked him in the mush and packed her bags. Jesus, if that was all he had to do to get rid of her, he should've penned a novel years ago. Steve, meanwhile, is still putting up with crap and finally gave Michelle an ultimatum, telling her to shit or get off the pot. She hovered for a minute, then told she'd stay with him - but was then going on tour with her old buddy JD's band as a backing singer. That really didn't work out too well for Kym Marsh last time..