On Fairly Shitty this week, Miranda knocked back thirty Gs to write a book, and announced at the dinner table that she could still be a part of the family, as she wouldn't be writing any book that'd reveal anything about anything. For thirty grand, I'd write a book saying anything they damn well wanted me to - all lies and wrongdoings would then be retracted on my deathbed. There's nothing wrong with taking the easy way out. Elsewhere, Yvonne failed to get into McAleer's pants (and more specifically his pockets), as he told her straight off the bat that he knows she's just after his dough. Quite the honourable thing to do, considering he blackmailed Annette into a banging last week, and could've had free gropes for life for the sake of a couple of dinners a month and some shite jewellery.

On Emmerdale, the big news surrounded Andy and his brush with the Grim Reaper. See, as we all know, he had been beating Jo like a ginger stepchild for no damn reason, so comeuppance was a long time coming for the burly bastard. So when he and the missus had a bit of a scuffle, he ended up impaled on a spike - which was both painful-looking and highly amusing. There is no greater vengeance than millions of folk seeing a wife-beater getting his comeuppance. Seeing Jo run away all bloodied and stuff did her no favours, though. Running is not her friend, as it exposes her jiggles, which are more abundant than we first thought.

On Eastenders, that undesirable (Tony) continued to play mind games with a vulnerable Whitney. Earlier in the week, Doctor Merrit told Bianca that she needed to see a psychiatrist - which was fantastic news for Tony, as it meant that if she opened her mouth about anything, he could just retort with "Hey, she's a certified mentaller. Don't believe her". When she was about to tell Bianca about their 'situation', he pretended to want her back in order for her to keep her yaphole schtum. This will all also end very badly for Tony. Remember that bird that Phil was about to marry who was randomly attacking Ben? Well, they're still picking up pieces of her brain from the pavement somewhere in East London. And what did the audience think? She damn well deserved it! Crazy bitch.

On Corrie, it all went meeeeeeental this week as the lead-up to the untimely demise of Liam began. He necked Carla this week, then banged her when he saw her try on her wedding dress. We think it was one of those so-wrong-it's-right situations. Either that, or he thought it was just a really slutty wedding dress. Liam realised that he loved Carla this week, and constantly struggled to hold his sham of a marriage together. Poor Maria, eh? First he cheated on her, and next week, he's gonna buy the farm. Elsewhere, Jason binned Becky so he could go over to Italy and try to get Sarah to come home. But Sarah was obviously flabbergasted by how much weight he's put on, and dodged his advances to stay with the nice weather and more attractive men. Becky responded by getting severely lamped and going on a bender, before getting arrested. She does have that crackhead look to her, in fairness. She looks like an extra from The Wire.