We here at EI Towers reckon that the United States government should have a discussion on what exactly should be branded torture. See, waterboarding (where they tip you over while tied to a chair, and douse gallons of water on you to simulate drowning) is horrific; but compared to sitting through an omnibus of Fair City, that's like having a small child sneezing in your face - you'll laugh it off, and worry about the cold you might get later. Is this a roundabout way of calling Fair City torturous? Yes, it damn well is. This week I've had to deal with a new gobshite in the guise of a realistic soap character, as Peter turned up and was basically an out-and-out mess. He caused Paul loads of hassle, and served little purpose this week other than to grate like nails on a blackboard.

Emmerdale was as action-packed as ever, though, as the week revolved mostly around Andy and his attempts to beat (pardon the pun) his disease 'batteryourwife-itis'. Diane took pity on him, saying he could stay with her for a while, but Val wouldn't hear of it. Since when did Val have a choice in these matters? Elsewhere, Donna decided that she and Marlon were going to try for a baby - as that is what cures broken love. Shane made it clear that he knew what was going on between the two of them, putting Ross in a really awkward position (granted, not as awkward as Marlon's). Donna came back from holliers looking all bronzed and fit, while Marlon still looked like a chicken that's just been released from a concentration camp - only slightly browner.

On Eastenders, Jay is becoming something of the classic 'lash out delinquent' as he basically cursed Dawn at any given opportunity and then tried to burn down her gaff. Billy had to reprimand him, but it was little more than a wrist-slapping. What does this kid have to do you get properly told off? Spree killing? Anyway, it was all good come the end, when he and Dawn made up, kind of rendering Garry as useless as he was before - like a jelly dildo. Elsewhere, Suzy thought Phil fancied him, but was pretty damned mistaken as all Phil fancies nowadays is a kebab and read of The Walford Gazette on the jacks.

On Corrie, John was still a bumbling sociopath, as he was kind of acting like Kathy Bates in Misery, only slightly more passive-aggressive. That calm, collected way he talks to Rosie is quite grating. Why would anyone want to keep her in a room in the first place? What, she's 18 now, you say? Point taken. Elsewhere, Maria and co. were still mourning the untimely demise of Liam in what has to be the most unlucky family in soap history. Granted, he got to give Carla one a few times before he bought the farm, but that's little comfort when you've just been hit by a car - with vicious rumours abouding, saying that Tony paid for it. Carla was still distraught at the end of the week and called off the wedding to the evil Scottish bastard.