It was another typically boorish week in Fair City, as Niamh found out that Paul's computer password was actually Nicola. C'mon, just how thick is this guy? Either he forgot to change it, or was keeping it as a strange momentum - we'd go with the latter being that he has to type it into his computer every time he logs on. Anyhow, Niamh spent the majority of the week busting his nuts for it - the poor bastard. He tried to make it up to her by revealing that Helen was the love of his life. Elsewhere, Leo finally had a reason for the over expressive hand gestures, as he went for his HIV test and spent the week in pensive form. He won't have the virus of course, mainly because even the producers must know what a crap actor he is, and no matter how much he watches Tom Hanks in Philadelphia he won’t be able to pull it off.

IT was an action packed week on the still entertaining Emmerdale, as Shane's short stint in the dale soap came to an abrupt and blood soaked end. See, Jasmine, inquisitive dumbass that she is, tried to get some evidence on Shane by snooping around his apartment, and finding drugs and money just as he came in the door. To cut an elongated story line marginally shorter, Shane tried to rape Jasmine, and was promptly WWE'd over the back of the bonce by Debbie - who arrived just in time. But, you can't keep a persistent rapist down, and Jasmine had to finish him off by repeatedly beating him with a table leg. Instead of calling the fuzz, they called Eli, who helped them get rid of the body after a little persuasion. Elsewhere, Shane and Donna were caught necking by Paddy who ultimately convinced Donna to stay with deadbeat chef Marlon, and not run off with hump stick Ross.

Down London way on Eastenders, Ian cancelled Christmas in true scrooge fashion, after going on another one of his miserable bastards rants, making Jane that bit more immune to the guilt she'll feel when she finally snaps and throws a plugged in toaster into the bath while he has his yearly wash. Elsewhere, Whitney was feeling bad about planning to run away with her step-poppa, and legged it off the stage as she performed Romeo and Juliet - something tells us a greek tragedy would have been more apt. Oh, and Jack went mental after getting rejected by Ronnie/seeing Jim, so he aimed to make everything tickety boo by demanding a paterinty test from Roxy.

On Corrie, the shite really hit the fan when the Webster clan got lamped at Carla's wedding. First, Kevin expelled his dinner all over Carla's porn star dress, then heckled the happy couple has Tony made his speech. But Sally inflicted the humdinger when she decided to tell Maria (then show her) about Carla and Liam. Needless to say, Maria did not take this news well and legged it round the place looking like that chick from The Exorcist, ready to beat Carla to death with her own limbs. But Carla had just headed off for her honeymoon, as Maria decided to take out her rage on Rosie. Elsewhere, Peter was still being a deadbeat Dad and forgot to pick up his offspring from school as he was busy losing a fortune in the bookies.