It's Chriiiiiiistmas! More specifically, it was Christmas on Fairly Shitty this week, as people were again at each other's throats in true soap fashion. Christy basically ruined Christmas for everyone, being the cause for the failure of the electricity, an' all. Just think of all the spoilt bastard kids in the make-believe world of Carrigstown that couldn't plug in their Playstations on Christmas day, and instead had to partake in conversations with family members? My God, people would be killed. Everyone legged it to the Community Centre and they all had Christmas dinner there. Which is a bit shite really, isn't it? At least Ray might finally have been able to have a bath in the swimming pool.

Emmerdale, as always, delivered the Yuletide fireworks, with all sorts of crazy shit happening. Firstly, everyone still thought Victoria was mental - and her falling into a frozen lake and saying she saw a dead body didn't exactly win over any of the naysayers. But we were all privy to the demise of Shane, and therefore know that it's his lifeless carcass buoyant on a frozen lake, doing an impression of a brown floater in the Fair City communal swimming pool. Keith just couldn't hold it in... Anyhow, this story is unwinding superfast, and the next few weeks are gonna see everything pull together, folk ending up in jail being roughly manhandled by cellmates that look like Pat Butcher on steroids, and Marlon contemplating suicide for only the sixth time this year - he's getting better, God bless him.

Down Eastenders way, Christmas was full of the usual cheer. Firstly, Sean finally had reason to brood once more as the news finally came out that he wasn't Amy's real father, and it was, in fact, Jack who had done the damage. Sean reacted to the news in his usual abrasive manner, snatched Amy, and legged it. Now, this being Eastenders (i.e. more depressing than a documentary on the Holocaust) we cannot see this ending well. We're sure it'll all accumulate in the whole 'Dum Dum' thing to nauseatingly abrupt effect, anyway.

Down Corrie way, Maria was still not dealing with her grief in a very productive way. We say this because she spent the majority of her Christmas painting MURDERER on the factory wall. It's not that it took that long to paint, but finding the right shade of red paint, and ensuring somewhere was open so that she could buy it took up a great deal of time. Elsewhere, Steve continued to pursue hoodrat Becky with the vigour of a middle-aged, balding insurance salesman on Viagra. He's also continuing his 'bastard boyfriend' act well into the new year, as Michelle struggles to understand why he's acting how he is. Man up and do the deed, Steve.