X Factor Round Up: The 2nd Live Show

At the risk of stating the obvious; the only way to watch this is via the wonder of Sky Plus. That way you can merrily skip through the VT of moo-eyed contestants saying "this is what I was born to do", watch approximately 30 seconds of each performance (or in John's case, none), half listen to the judges spout rehearsed platitudes, and then repeat the process until the whole charade is over.

As with last week, I was drunk watching Saturday's X Factor. Not that I condone the habitual consumption of alcohol to inject merriment in an otherwise flaccid experience, or anything. As it happened, myself and two friends had been out for dinner and I manged to coerce them into my poky apartment for the "ooone more" on the way home.

As expected, the notes which I fisted haphazardly into the iPhone are a little sketchy. OK, here's an obvious one: "Cheryl's hair looks like a lobster". This one isn't so self explanatory, thanks to the predictive text: "Rebeccas loopy on teeth." Her teeth aren't mental; that one was probably making reference to the fact that Rebecca was forced to sport black lipstick which seems to gravitate towards the gnashers. Here's the final three (cause the rest are undecipherable): "I fancy all of 1 Direction, is that wrong", and "Katie looks like Hilda Ogden on her VT", and "Is Louis on pills? Loves Aidne (sic) even thoigh (sic) he sang pants + keeps banging on about 'posters! Posters on walls!' Lobster is not amused."

If you missed the show and just want to put yourselves through the performances, we have them all in Best Of The Web. The running order went as follows:

Storm Lee: Murdered Bruce Springsteen's Born To Run while astride a bike. He did have some scantily clad backing dancers though, which was appreciated. Of Cheryl's criticism that he should just sing instead of insisting on a spectacle, he mumbled something back stage about not wanting to be "pretty and boring like One Direction."
TreyC: Impressive 'n all, but it made my ears hurt.
Paige Richardson: Louis enjoyed it, calling him a "soulful little man." I enjoyed his outfit. Simon didn't enjoy the backing dancers.
One Direction: Simon (their mentor) said they were "the most exciting pop band in the country today." 'Cause he believes the viewing populace will ingest anything he utters. One Direction are certainly the prettiest poband in the UK today, but that's where the excitement begins and ends.
Cher: Did the usual gurning/warbling. She held it together though a lot better than last week.
John: Didn't bother watching his performance. It wasn't just me; as soon as his VT came on, my two guests collectively groaned "next!"
Diva Fever: Simon, clearly aware that only one of his duo can push out a note, gave them a song with no words and a hefty backing track. He also bestowed upon them near naked dancers, one of which nearly had my eye out around the 1.25min mark.
Rebecca: I'll be honest, I never bothered listening to her before - an oversight. True, giving her Nina Simone to sing was a bit of a cliché, but she pulled it off.
Aiden: After enduring the "made for TV jeopardy!" that was "Harry's attack of pre-performance heaves due to stage fright!!!", I thought we were being fed the same "WILL HE SURVIVE! THE PERFORMANCE?!" type skitter when we were shown footage of Aiden repeatedly cocking up John Lennon's Jealous Guy. As it turned out, he wasn't making it up. It was painful in parts. Lennon would be pleased.
Wagner: Another contestant which requires diversionary bells and whistles - despite being the bulb off Robert Downey Jr. It was touching when he was cornered by Simon Cowell's blunt question regarding his intentions towards Mary; he responded: "She is a noble soul." In saying that, it's unlikely he'll last another week.
Katie: "Babay, babay, babay, BAYBAH, BAYBAH, BAYBAH!!!" was what her version of I'd Rather Go Blind amounted to. Instead of hiding behind ten visors piled on top of each other and a keyboard; Waissel went with a stripped down version, only recruiting two lone tics to hang off her bottom lashes (possibly tying in with the "I rather go blind" theme, there).
Belle Amie: Snore.
Mary: Another rash of goose bumps.
Matt: None of us recognised the song, which made us feel kind of old, but everyone in the audience seemed to be enjoying themselves.

OK, we're nearly there *shakes out fingers*... Last night's Results Show: The judges walked across the stage and Dannii looked nice; the final twelve contestants mimed to GaGa's Telephone (as usual, the older contestants and the groups were largely overlooked in favour of the under 28 boys/girls); they all buggered off for a costume change while Diana Viclaws marched around in her pants while yodelling out a bizarre amalgamation of Kate Bush doing Under The Bridge by way of Chris De Burgh's A Spaceman Came Travelling. This was followed by Katie Perry wriggling about in a onesie. After that, Storm was ousted immediately (but not before deploying the usual "You've not seen the best of me yet" bollocks), with two of Simon's acts Belle Amie and Diva Fever left "singing for survival." Naturally enough, the latter sang I Will Survive (well, wee Saggers did, the other one just jiggled about awkwardly and warbled the odd time), while Belle Amie nearly blubbed through Big Girls Don't Cry (not the Frankie Valli one, obviously). Dannii, Cheryl and Louis all voted to send home Diva Fever, who then got in a snot saying their song choices were rubbish. Simon said he took "full responsibility" but the wild cards still weren't happy.