There's a reason why I asked Alicia to do the X Factor Round Ups. She's not a cynical ole hack like me, and can be largely positive about the show - which is handy when we have a section being sponsored...

I have a love/loathe relationship with the show. I appreciate the glow it provides of a dank Sunday evening - the pretty outfits; the odd stunning performance; the familiar bickering between Dermot and Louis... Aaannd I pretty much resent everything else: Cheryl's shiny legs; Simon's Bord na Mona briquette hair; the bells, whistles, choir of the damned and the carbon footprint required just for the judges to walk out onstage; the plethora of monster screens that increasing dwarf Dermot with each passing year; the relentless assortment of well dodgy cover songs; the sheer lack of imagination; the contrived drama; the hysterical tears; the geographic factor; the demographic factor; the fact that I always end up watching it no matter how hard I try to stay away...

Yeah, so sadly for you, me, and anyone else still reading; Alicia's gone on holidays for the next few weeks. Believe it or not, I'll endeavour to keep upbeat about it. Promise.

OK, things didn't get off to the best of starts on Saturday. Instead of watching (or indeed bothering to record) Saturday's 2.5 hour live show marathon, I took myself off to Finnegan's in Dalkey and tried ear-wigging in on a conversation between Ryan Tubridy, Mark Little and Neil Jordan, while I consumed my own bodyweight in wine. Nothing interesting to report. In fact, a fellah wandered over beside them and fell asleep with his mouth wildly ajar. When I did land home, however, I managed to catch the closing minutes of the repeat on 3e. Despite a severe level of inebriation, my skin broke out in a rash of goosebumps when they showed a snipped of Mary Byrne's performance. Absolutely stunning. Then Nicolo trotted out this tripe directly after and the wall went back up again. Unsurprisingly he got his marching orders last night without even the chance to sing for survival. That would be the Geographic Factor coming into play. Who knows how long he would've survived in the Italian version of the show...

Before we get to the rest of the performances, let's address the Wild Cards. Dannii brought back Paige; Louis brought back Wagner; Simon brought back Diva Feva; and Cheryl didn't bring back Gamu. She went with Treyc (pronounced Tracy, funnily enough...) instead.

To the other performances: Wagner and his backing dancers went mad for their bongos; Rebecca; Belle Amie; John; Paige and One Direction provided consistent performances, but I'll be seriously surprised if any of them make the final. Bar One Direction, they have the female vote from aged 8 upwards. Matt, Treyc and Aiden were impressive; Diva Fever's days should be numbered but they've got the Demographic Factor on their side. They also provide the WTF Factor, which kept Jedward afloat last year (observe the costume change at 1.56mins and then Cheryl's face at 2.05mins). Come to think of it, the same could be said for Aiden (WTF is going on here?!?); Cher was shoddy *ducks*; Katie and Storm epitomised the term "try hard"; and FYD have the One Direction to thank for their inevitable eviction. Compared to them, FYD look like a load of mature students trying to compete in a school talent show.

Speaking of days being numbered, unless some pretty sterling PR comes her way in the next week or so, Katie's on her way out. She was in the bottom three with Nicolo and FYD, and was saved by the judges - which had nothing to do with her wailing The Beatles' Don't Let Me Down at them.

Given The Sun are today running a story about how herself and Cher are treating Treyc badly since she joined the show, it doesn't look like the promotional juggernaut is going Waissel's way. According to the report: "Worried bosses then kept Treyc and Katie well apart as contestants sang last night's opening number Rhythm of the Night. A source said: "Treyc sang a bit with Cher, as had been choreographed, but Katie didn't even look at her." To be fair, she was probably trying to remember the lyrics along with the rest of them. The mimefest was farcical, what with Harry fluffing around the 2.19 mark and Aiden turning into a goldfish at 37 seconds.

And things just don't seem to be getting any better for the headpiece: "There were claims on internet chatrooms that Katie HAD to be saved because bosses bought her out of a contract in America. X Factor acts are not allowed to have record deals. One viewer wrote: 'Why is Katie still in the show? Why would they spend so much money getting her out of her contract if she was going to go in the first week?'"

Oh the dramarama of it all. Role on next week, where we'll be treated to performances from Katy Perry's bosoms and from  X Factor contestant of yore, Diana Theclaw (last night we had Joe McElderly).
 

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