Ugh. Right. Justin Bieber is a tool. Everybody knows this. Just look at that picture. Look at that smug face. But why is he our Tool of the Week? Isn't he a tool EVERY week? The answer is yes. He is a tool every week. He will be a tool until the day he dies. There will never be a day in his privileged life that he will not be a tool. Aeons from now, when civilisation has reached into the very stars and mankind has all but left Earth, humanity will still remember Justin Bieber as being that tosser that wore sunglasses indoors and looked kinda like Vanilla Ice. There will never be anyone like him. If they still had dictionaries that put little pictures beside them, his picture would be there beside the words "Tool", "Tosser" and "Dresses / Looks Like A Lesbian". That last one's really true. There's even a blog about it. Look here. (Link to https://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com)
So, why is he a tool this week? Because he wants to ruin space with his very presence. Yes, really. He's recently signed up to Sir Richard Branson's newest venture, Virgin Galactic, with Branson himself mentioning it on Twitter. Now, look; science is criminally underfunded and anything that brings attention and the spotlight on space exploration is, in our book, just gravy. But unless we're sending Bieber to space with the intention of him STAYING THERE, then it's just pointless. We want it to be one-way. With him being pushed out the airlock at the end. Without a space suit.
Not only that, the little turd wants to film a music video in space while he's there. How would that even work? You can't get back-up dancers to dance in space. There's no gravity. Even the very laws of physics are working against you, Justin Bieber. Commander Hadfield pretty much made the greatest music video ever before leaving the International Space Station. He's an astronaut and he has a moustache and he's a better musician than Justin Bieber. Top that shit. You can't. It's impossible.
What exactly would Justin Bieber get out of travelling to space, anyway? He'll probably just tweet something really vague and nondescript while he's up there. "Really chill up here in space xoxo" - And that'll get, like, 5,000 Retweets. And then he'll take a really shitty picture of him and that creepy-ass manager that follows him around. People go into space to explore and for the benefit of everyone. The discoveries they make up there, the research and technology they use is brought back to Earth, thus serving a purpose greater than personal enrichment and enjoyment. Justin Bieber's going into space to Instagram himself.
So to you, Justin Bieber, we award you with Man Cave's Tool of the Week award for travelling into space with the intention of returning to Earth at a later time and not staying there.
