Dresses... Dresses everywhere. Dresses were dreamt about in the short 3 hours half-sleep that was snatched before flinging myself into the office this morning. For those of you wise enough to blank the live footage from the red carpet, I was live blogging about the dresses/Ryan Seacrest's presenting style (namely bumping off stars he didn't deem worthy enough of his attention) from 11pm - the witterings of which can be seen here...  Mike took over at 1am to bring you musings regarding the ceremony itself. He didn't think much of it, by all accounts.

Back to the dresses. Some looked like a mutated strain of the rare Origami Venus Flytrap (Vera Farmiga). There were those who managed to make their skin into manifold itself into a fleshy 'growth gown', like Anna Kendrick and Demi Moore. Others appeared to have got inventive with bubble wrap, those being Amanda Seyfried and Jennifer Lopez (Valentino). Last night, I referred to Seyfried as "a grey wall", mostly because she seems completely flattened by the garment. Lopez freestyled more with her bubble wrap. She even brought a little friend to help her cart it around, not that he looks capable of carrying much.

The hue of blue was also a popular theme of the evening. Mo'Nique, Mariah (AWFUL), Suzi Amis, Gabby Sidibe, an increasingly dour looking Kirsten Stewart, Mariska Hargitay, and an oppertunistic Giuliana Rancicm all went for shades of blue. My favourite one of which was worn by Maggie Gyllenhaal. It's a bit Club Tropicana, but it's nice to see her wearing something without frills that vaguely fits her for a change.

Another theme noted last night was the presence of those who came dressed as gold statuettes. The main champions of which inlcuded Sandra Bullock and Cameron Diaz (who teamed their look with garish red lippy, just to break things up a bit), Miley Cyrus and her "mom" (who should really have a chat to her daughter about the importance of posture); Kate Winslet; and one Sarah Jessica Parker (Chanel), who really went out of her way to embody 'Oscar' - to the point of employing a phantom wang bulge. Things were only slightly better from the side. As for her hair. Not sure what to say about that. It's a Princess Leia bun gone bananas.

There were tasteful metallics (if you're wondering how Joel Madden and Nicole Richie managed to wangle themselves an invite, Joel was DJing at one of the many after parties); dazzling metallics; far too busy metallics; and mind boggling metallics. Dresses that highlighted certain body parts, like bushy lady gardens (Tina Fey), and mahoosive rose bud boobs (Charlize Theron. I was less complimentary last night, around the 00.25am mark, but I don't have the balls to repeat the sentiment on this page). There were disco themed toilet roll holders (Zoe Saldana); and three ladies in red (Jane Seymour, Sigourney Weaver - who went with her natural hair colour for the occaision, and Elisabetta Canalis. Oh, did anyone else spot Clooney's wee grey mullet? It better be for a role).

Out of the Best Actress nominees, Helen Mirren was the hands down winner in the dress department. Meryl Streep came as her character Madeline Ashton from Death Becomes Her; and Carey 'The Hills Are Alive...' Mulligan looked pretty in Prada... pity it was hiked up at the front, though, as the sandals were a bit too clunky. Finally, to quote Gabby Sidibe on the red carpet: "If this was porn, this dress would be the money shot." Peeved that she'd comandeered the funniest quip of the night, Ryan Seacrest promptly informed the camera man to "pan back, widen up the shot." Sound.

My winner of the night? Well, it's a toss up between Katheryn Bigelow and Rachel McAdams. True, the latter is a bit Little Mermaid, but there's something etheral about it. The award for the worst swatch of material making it's way up the carpet, however, goes to Diane Kruger. What is that? Is it half drape, half shower pom pom, trimmed with muppet? Hair's very pretty, jewellery spot on, and - to be fair - she does the best she can with it, but there's only so much one can do with a garment which seems intent on strangling you to death, with it's boa constrictor inspired death vine.

So, that's that for another year. It's not all over though, we'll have after show party photos winging their way towards you shortly, and there's video footage from the red carpet (presented by Kate Spencer in two rather ill-fitting dresses. Not sure why she felt the need to change dresses for the after show party, bar taking the opportunity to showcase some cracking tan lines), the winners' acceptance speeches and Elton John's after show party... where you can expect interviews with such luminaries as Sharon Osbourne, Katie Price, and Louis Walsh's dodgy earring... The Vanity Fair after party it is not. Enjoy.