Last night was a long one... in case you missed our blow-by-blow account of what happened, here are my rambling tweets (expect "obese gerbils" and the like). I was sitting up, bleary-eyed, watching it on E! with Ryan Seacrest doing the interviewing (from a box, given the height of him), while Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic spouted skitter from their perch. Now, to the judgement!

THE GOOD...
Jennifer Lawrence: looked stunning in a very simple, figure-hugging red dress with little jewellery. She was first up the carpet and was a very hard act to follow...
Melissa Leo: was in a classy, yet daring, disco ball (see, it's mirrored). Not sure if she sported flats for the entire thing, mind.
Helen Mirren: nails it again.
Sharon Stone: Scary, and as mentioned in last night's Tweets, something of an ode to Black Swan (specifically the transitional stage). She's got a scary head on her and I like it.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Initially, I wasn't sure about this Calvin Klein sheath, comparing her to the Tin Man's lady friend, but now, in the glaring light of day, it's kind of fabulous.
Sandra Bullock: MUCH better than the Golden Globes.
Helena Bonham Carter: Classic HBC, really. Her's was courtesy of Colleen Atwood. We can't see if she's wearing matching shoes, but she promised she would.

THE NUDE...
Hailee Steinfeld: Age appropriate in her Marchesa, but I'm not keen on the length and nude is a particularly difficult hue to pull off. Also, it could be the sleep deprivation, but those look like magotts crawling down her gown. Still, she seemed beyond chuffed in it, and that's the main thing.
Mandy Moore: Kelly Osbourne and the Pepperami (AKA Giuliana Rancic) were beside themselves with the fact that the dress in fact went "all the way up to her neckline."
Halle Berry: Tulle ho, chaps!

THE TUBULAR...
Both Michelle Williams, who was in Chanel, and (the scarily skinny after "having twins") Celine Dion had to shuffle like Geishas up the red carpet.

THE BAD...
Marisa Tomei: It's 1988 and she's going to the prom. No boys are going, mind, 'cause it's taking place in St. Mary's, the local convent. Don't get me wrong, I'm all on for people covering up, but only when it's done in a stylish way. This dress looks like it wants to be daring but just hasn't got the balls.
Busy Philips: Again, Busy is just too damn busy. Well, her stomach is, anyway. Sorry, but why would anyone want all that hanging off their belly? What is it, a groin bustle? Bustle's should be at the back. Look at Bullock laughing at you,and she's traumatised by the memories of walking up that same carpet with a Nazi loving adulterer last year.
Justin Timberlake's Mom: He came in Tom Ford, but his ma didn't keep up her end of the bargain. Just awful, especially what's meant to be the bodice. I wanted to see Jessica Biel Godnammit! Russell's mum looked far much better. I still can't believe he was asked to present an award either.
Florence Welch: This is probably the only time you'll be invited to The Oscars, Florence (she was performing a nominated song), why did you choose to wear a jaundiced doily? Yeah, it's Valentino, but do realise you were sporting the only dress the Pepperami didn't "LOOOOOOOOOVE", and that's saying something. Although, she probably just decided to pick on you cause you're not someone she's going to be bumping into on a regular basis - and therefore she's not tried to set up residence halfway up your colon.
Natalie Portman: *ducks* don't kill me. I said she looked stunning last night, and I meant it. But I didn't see all of the dress; the top was OK, but the bottom not so much. I know it's difficult to get gowns for the heavily pregnant, but she's an Oscar nominee, surely someone would've customised something amazing for her? I do like her earrings, though (Tiffany).

THE BAMBOOZLING...
Nicole Kidman: But they're not real childbearing hips, Nicole. Otherwise you wouldn't be going out of your way to highlight them.
Penelope Cruz: Her womanly areas are obviously still smarting a bit since giving birth a few weeks back.
Hilary Swank: Its nice enough (although I did refer to it as "tin foil and feathers" [Christmas turkey, anyone?] last night), but it's just all clavicle. Again, it needed straps, or a necklace, or more feathers in the form of a boa, just something.
Amy Adams: It was at this point last night that I started imagining a number of people wearing swatches of sand paper fashioned into dresses (we're sanding floors in my abode at the minute, and one looks exactly like that, swear). That aisde, it's a nice dress (L'Wren Scott), and it fits her well, but the necklace is throwing me. It's Cartier and it's well covetable, as it the bracelet, but she's doing a slight disservice to both designers by jumbling them together.
Army Hammer's date: Quick, there's been another oil spill off the Gulf coast.
Scarlett Johansson: this lace number had the Pepperami and the Osbourne spawn well confused. They were both convinced the dress was transparent around the arse area. It is not. The end.
Cate Blanchett: This for me is the queen of bamboozlement. Last night, I likened it to "some sort of Battlestar Gallactica portal to her breasts". But now, it's got more of a barnacle or pustular theme. In fact, they're arranged in the shape of a baby octopus. Although, it does look like an alien spewed all over her shoulders. Although, that's how this particular alien gives birth. Givenchy was responsible for this.

AND THE BOOBY:
Jennifer Hudson: Her boobs came in Versace.
Camille Alves: She opted for both full on cleav and side boob.
Mila Kunis: It doesn't look too risque here, but in motion, it was a different story. I kept expecting for one of Meg's nipple's to spring forth from her Ellie Saab dress. That and it just kept reminding me of an episode of Friends, the one where Rachel tries to pass off a negligee as a dress when Joshoowah's parents came back to their apartment early...

Speaking of negligee's, I'm off to wriggle into mine (by negligee, I mean ratty t-shirt and the fellah's PJ bottoms) - WRECKED!

What's that? There's the Vanity Fair after party gallery to comment upon.... nads.

(you can see *** Red Carpet Gallery Here*** Winners' Gallery Here*** Vanity Fair After Party Here*** The PROPER Vanity Fair After Party Gallery Here***Winners' List Here*** Mike's Rant Here*** In Ceremony Photos Here***)