Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Gallery: Vergara, Hilton, Dogg, Cyrus, Klum...

On Saturday, Nickelodeon's 2011 Kids Choice Awards / AKA Little Lolita Parade took place in L.A. May I present exhibits A, B, C , D, E and the ludicrously unachievable F. OK, so none of them are as bad as this, or this, but they make me feel a bit fearfull for them all the same. After all, look who they have to look up to - sex tape stars in the form of Paris Hilton and a horny milk maid; barely formed full time performers; pioneer of female empowerment Snoop Dogg; Melanie Brown; a stick insect; the vampire mermaid from planet Harpie; 38-year-old Josh Duhamel masquerading as a Ken doll; and a well-documented sex pest. He's not having a fit, more trying to communicate to the perplexed assembled that he's the gentleman what voiced that bunny from Hop - as opposed to air humping a photo of Katy Perry he produced from his wallet.

Yeah, so thank God for the presence of Jane Lynch, Stevie Wonder and - I never thought I'd say this - Miley Cyrus. True, arbitary Kardashian also had a classy dress on, but Miley actually also has a talent so that makes her the winner.

Those also in attendence included Heidi Klum, Sofia Vergara, Mr. Carey, Selena Gomez, and increasingly burnt umber-hued Pixie Lott; and Joe Jonas in the company of a liddlar Jonas who, somehow, also looks like a middle aged member of Bon Jovi...

To the winners:

Favourite TV Show
iCarly

Favourite Reality Show
American Idol

Favourite TV Actor
Dylan Sprouse

Favourite TV Actress
Selena Gomez

Funniest TV Sidekick
Jennette McCurdy

Favourite Cartoon
SpongeBob SquarePants

Favourite Male Athlete
Shaquille O'Neal

Favourite Female Athlete
Lindsey Vonn

Favourite Movie
The Karate Kid

Favourite Movie Actor
Johnny Depp (Alice in Wonderland)