I know. Comedy Central actually felt the need to roast Justin Bieber on Saturday night. Because that doesn't happen nearly enough on a day-to-day basis. And, yes, I know, it's the women in his life who get the worst of it - despite not being with him anymore.
Comedian Jeff Ross kicked off proceedings with: "Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now." That's fair enough, considering Justin was the one being roasted. Then things got slightly meaner with Ross adding: "Is it true you dumped her because she grew a moustache before you?"
Then it all got very Jeremy Clarkson: "Selena Gomez had sex with [you]... proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do."
Then it all got extremely grim: "You're about to get f**ked harder than Orlando Bloom f**ked Selena Gomez."
As it was Justin being roasted, the comedians - including SNL's Kevin Hart - had to spill some vitriol in his direction, so they went down the obvious route with such comedy gold as:
"Justin Bieber really does have it all. I'm serious. He has a dick and a p**sy"... "You acted so much like a p**sy on the show that Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to eat you"... "My castmate on SNL, Kate McKinnon, does a perfect impression of Justin. Right down to the clit." And so on. Weirdly enough, there was not mention of his My Calvins ad campaign. That was ripe for the picking.
What's the one rule of being roasted? Smile through it all, and have the ultimate jibe for yourself - and those dolling out the funnies: "What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours."
Justin also used the platform to apologise for his behaviour yet again - obviously after all the comedians had left the stage: "There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old... I didn't know what I was getting myself into. There were moments I am proud of. And there are moments I am disappointed with myself for. But the things I have done don't define who I am. I am kind-hearted person who loves people. And through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I'm sorry. I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of," he added. "Someone close to me once said, 'It's how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.' I'm excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me."
Celebrity guests on the night included Snoop, Martha Stewart (for some reason), Carly Rae Jepson, Ashley Benson, David Arquette, Andy Dick, Kate Walsh, and Chrissy Teigen in this understated number...
For those of you who enjoy hearing the word "p**sy" repeatedly, seemingly Comedy Central is airing the show on March 30th.
