It's May 18th and the 65th Cannes Film Festival is now well under way. Day one saw most eyes on the three hot mommas who together stole the show: Eva Longoria, Freida Pinto and Jane Fonda. Can you believe Jane Fonda is in her 70s and looks this good? Forget maple syrup diets and vibro plates at the gym, just find out what Jane here does and follow it like a marine! Whatever she doing, it works. She's so fit in fact that she took Frieda for a jockey back down the red carpet.

Once all the 'slebs had arrived safe and sound in their fancy schmancy hotels - not without a brief accosting by the Cannes paparazzi of course - and gotten themselves all dolled up it was off to Wednesday evening's opening night ceremony which bled into Thursday's day of official premieres, marking day one of the 65th Cannes Film Festival.

Do we really care about the movies themselves? Nah. Do we care about the dresses worn by certain celebrities at said premieres? You bet.

Props to this Eva (I want to BE her), props to that Eva and again, Jane Fonda - hot DAMN!

Cannes is usually a festival full of colour but not so much this time with Marion Cotillard, Lana Del Ray andBeth Ditto (who attended with her soon-to-be wife) all opting for safe-playing black ensembles. We know what you're at ladies. It's a well known badly kept secret that celebs only shrowd themselves head to toe in black when, y'know, it's that time of the month. Ewww. Yeah, I went there. Sheena suggested I tie in a 'red carpet' quip there but she's just a little sicker than usual today.

Ahhh. Now that we've gotten all the niceties out of the way: David Schwimmer. WTF happened to you Ross? You look like shit, sort it out. Chen Ting-Jia, is that a set of wings on your back? Right. *makes 'she's crazy' hand gesture. Rossy de Palma - we don't like your outfit, try better. Elena Lenin? Who are you and what planet do you hail from. You look like a Klingon's mistress. And dear Tilda Swinton, we know you played that evil witch in Narnia but in real life, you don't need to dress like her. We find you menacing enough just as you are.

And as for Diane Kruger? You're a stunner dahling but this is not your prom, or whatever the German equivalent of a prom is.

Caroline Foran