You there, the man sloped down in his seat. Yes, the one who’s almost completely camouflaged himself into the couch. We have a question for you: if you were to be dropped in to the middle of the woods, would you be able to hack it for even sixty seconds?

We’ll admit that we’re probably not going to be the kings of survival ourselves here in the Man Cave, as it turns out that modern gentleman is rather soft and squidgy around the edges. We’ve lost touch with that part of us that should know how to start a fire, fight off a bear, or make a torch out of a stick of dynamite. That last one is not a good idea, on reflection.

Anyway, while Grylls himself has said that all you need to do is “keep smiling, keep going, and as Churchill said, never give up”, we reckon that you probably also need a small bit of knowledge, make sure to arm yourself correctly with the right gear and the right skills to enjoy a weekend in the great outdoors, which is a much better use of your time than spending four hours on the couch, slowly moving from vertical to horizontal.

While we can’t claim to be experts, we’ve got the lowdown from the folks at Cotsworld Outdoor, who have given us their top survival tips for the great outdoors. Don’t worry, we’re not about to drop you from a helicopter into the uncharted lands of Antarctica, but you might try tackling the Wicklow mountains or something.

1) Pack the right gear

Before you load your pack up with some all-purpose essentials, you're going to need a pack. Sounds obvious, but there's a huge range, depending on how long you plan to head out for. Of course, bigger is better, so we like the idea of a rucksack that will fit everything you need. 

One absolute essential is duct tape, which will help you make tools, repair any rips to your gear or even keep your hiking companion quiet for a while. You should also get a bluff. Think of it as a tube of endless possibilities: it keeps your face and neck protected from the elements, it can work as a sweatband in warm weather, and it can even filter rocks and dirt from your water. 

Your body also burns more calories when you're exposed to cold temperatures for a long time, so that means that you're going to need some good quality food. Grylls himself tells us that you could burn as many as 6000 calories, so fill your pack with raisins, nuts, and something with plenty of protein, unless you fancy eating bugs just like Bear. And don’t forget to stay hydrated, of course.

2) Stay dry
This seems to be one that goes without saying, but if you are headed to the great outdoors for the weekend, your jeans and Cons are not going to cut it. You need to have some proper footwear, and importantly rainproof gear. As much as we love Ireland, it really does rain here a lot, and staying dry should be right up there on the list of priorities. Jackets, trousers, hats, underwear; whatever you can get your hands on, we may well need it. 

3) Bring a torch
You know what they say about the best laid plans and all of that, so whether or not you think you’re going to be out at nightfall, you should definitely bring a torch or some light source. If you’ve forgotten that, then you might need to both light and heat, so you'll have to start a fire by hand.

This is serious man work, and there’s no easy way out of it if you plan to do it the old fashioned way with sticks (the really old fashioned way). Alternatively, a little magnesium firestarter will only set you back a few euro, and could well be the best investment you make. Here’s a quick video guide to getting your fire going.

4) Make sure you have shelter in case of emergency

So your helicopter airlift out of the woods didn't arrive on time, and you need to camp out for the night. There might be a damp, dark cave knocking around or a spooky house that’s definitely not, we repeat not haunted off in the distance, but your best bet if you’re stuck out in the open is to have some form of shelter with you. A small and light portable tent to protect you from the elements (both rain and shine) will be worth its weight in gold once you’re actually out there fighting against the harsh conditions.

5) The unlikely event of a bear attack

We’ll admit that we don’t know how many bears are in Ireland at the minute, but here’s a question for you – how can you be sure the answer is zero? Well, frankly we can’t and we would feel terribly irresponsible if we sent you out without the knowledge of what to do. Besides, you might be headed off to other shores for your adventure, and bear skills are the bare necessities (sorry). Here's a handy video that should help you survive:

You need to worry mainly about grizzly bears and black bears, as there’s a pretty big difference as to what you want to do when attacked. Firstly identify the type of bear, which is best guessed from the shoulders: if they have a hump, it’s a grizzly; if not (and they have large, tall ears) it’s a black bear. If it’s a grizzly bear, hunker down and play dead, they’ll just move on. If it’s a black bear, stand up and make some noise, wave your arms and generally cause a scene. They’ll normally back off and you should be grand. 

That's a few of the most important things that you need to know to survive in the world outside your living room/games console where you can't respawn, and if you fancy winning yourself a whopping €500 worth of North Face gear for your next camping trip, trail hike or just to keep you warm and dry this winter, then check out our brilliant competition over here with thanks to the folks at Cotswold Outdoor.