The Tuesday back after a Bank Hollier is always going to be ropey. Throw in having to negotiate your way into work for 8am with the DARTS not running is another thing. But then add a computer that refuses to turn on so you’ve to sit at a colleague’s desk without bookmarks, email folders, the ability to construct galleries, etc, etc and you’ve got a rather miffed Red Devil. Thankfully she was rather popular trick-or-treating last night and is therefore horsing her way through a stockpile of teeth-rotting goodness. To the review.

Apologies for the lack of commentary throughout last night’s Apprentice. I was busy introducing myself to my new neighbours dressed as a rather old bat wielding a pillowcase. Seriously though, there was an unnerving amount of teenagers dressed in onesies from Penny’s pretending to do babies, so I thought if they can do it, why not I.
After finally getting round to watching last night’s episode, one thing has become abundantly clear: Maurice is a saucy f***er. That and Jackie Lavin appears to have honed a collection of her facial peels into a number of twinsets.

The task at hand went something like this: Both teams were to devise a billboard/flyer campaign for B&Q. Brian, who was put in charge of Spirit and therefore the whiteboard, initially wanted a “Mickle Engelo type concept”. In other words, he didn’t know his arse from his elbow. In the end Maurice and Susanne (IT SPEEEAAKS!) took charge by ordering two models to attend some studio or other (it took them 1.5 hours to cast them out of a choice of five people, by the by. Largely because Maurice kept insisting that they “act sexy”).

Maurice then proceeded to freak the bejaysis out of the chosen two by tying the female model up in a flex corset (“OK, now act like you’re grabbing onto something”) , before insisting the male model do the same to him (“You’re good at this. Have you tied up men before?!") Yes, Maurice decided to insert himself into the photoshoot as he looked “more typically Irish”. ‘Cause Jason Patric is fierce Irish looking. Needless to say, the inclusion of himself in the billboard, and his perceived quest for fame, was something of a talking point in the boardroom, what with Jackie being fed the line “like James Bondage.”

As for team Zest, Stewie was put in charge of them. Their concept for the "age progressive brand" that is B&Q was to have Eugene dress as a granny called Betty having a questionable time on a bike while an aged female model probed him with her cane. As if pensioners need reminding of the lengths some have to employ to power their houses... Something else B&Q apparently would’ve loved on a proposed billboard is a load of small text to squint at while you’re speeding past on a bus.

This is where Louise shone. Louise, who has not shone to date, hit the nail on the head when she said stated the obvious - “It’s a billboard, not a leaflet.” Unfortunately, it turned into something of a droning mantra for Louise, which resulted in white noise for her team mates. Every time she spoke, they just heard a chorus of cows lowing, horns blowing, and muddled directions of the Galway area, and therefore blanked her with the utmost disdain. Well, that’s what happens when you coast for five weeks.

In the end, Louise was right. B&Q opted for Spirit’s billboard as it was “striking” (as a women bound in flex - while the very Irish version of Jason Patric swings out of her - would be); Zest’s offering was too “cluttered” and “text heavy”, not to mention disturbing.

In the end, Stewie brought back in Louise and Eugene, and they did the usual piddling on each other sideways business until Bill uttered the weekly words “Well, I think I’ve hord enough.” To Stewie, he said he “talks too much.” He liked that Eugene took a risk with Betty so he was safe. And then he came to Louise... He said she was sick of people like her hiding, and it’s “Staggerding that you’re on losing team when it's marketing.” Louise, in case, you weren’t aware, has a masters in Marketing - which she’d like us all “to forget about.”

Job done.

Last Night’s Highlights: When team leader Brian went into overlord mode: “The concept is wrong and it's going against Bri - the project...” // Stewie’s ‘I Heart Aiya Napa’ T-shirt // Noel having an idea involving soot // Eugene’s accent for Betty (she was from Munster, of course) // Maurice, before he even went near the model with the flex, saying: “We need to do something dangers, like “We get in quick with our wood and save you long time.”

Normal tweeting from the show, which is a lot more fun, will resume next week via @entertainmentie #TV3Apprentice.