Somewhere in Skankville, Jordan is probably ripping her hair (extensions) out with her 7-inch, fake tan-encrusted nails (again, not naturally hers) and smacking her (fake) boobs off her tangoed face. Why? Because former Towie star Amy Childs has only gone and launched her own line of hair Vajazzles. Now correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't 'getting a vajazzle' mean getting a smattering of plastic diamonds stuck across your lady garden? Otherwise the 'vaj' part of the word has me completely thrown.

If these ones aren't for your muff but actually for your fringe - because let's face it, going without diamonds in your fringe these days is just social suicide - shouldn't they be called something different?

"Oh. Ah neva fought of tha," she didn't say.

Channeling Britney Spears in this 'ensemble', if you will, Childs launches her latest business idea at Worx London. Showing us all just how 'facking amaaazinggg' they are, Childs can be seen here covered head to toe in diamantés complete with what looks like a £2 thong bought at Penneys (or Primark. Whatever). Classy innit? Sorry to disappoint you love but we're in totes agreement with the Daily Mail on this, Britters did it better.

There's definitely something 'toxic' going on but I'm thinking more along the lines of the toxic reaction that will occur when one of those vajazzles gets stuck up her arse.

What she does deserve props for though - let us at least try to be nice - is that she even bothered to wear a skin coloured suit at all. Why not just out do Jordan altogether and go completley naked with a few diamonds to cover her North facing mammaries?

Well maybe Amy Childs is more sophisticated than we thought. LOL, JK.

'I put the body vajazzle on the map so now I have created my very own Hair Vajazzle range... They add glitter and sparkle to your hair so are amazing for parties  - I love them!'

That's it. Somebody get this girl a Nobel prize for innovation NOW!

Caroline Foran