Tarzan (2014)

Disney did a pretty fantastic adaptation of the Tarzan story back in 1999, and even though its fifteen years later, any animated take on the tale is going to be compared to the Disney take. Unfortunately, this version of Tarzan doesn't only pale in comparison to that version, but looks shockingly shoddy when compared to most of the animated movies of the last ten years.

During a protracted prologue, we learn that Tarzan (voiced by Kellan Lutz, who is the only recognisable name on the cast-list) is the son of a rich couple who died in a helicopter crash in the 'African Jungles' while looking for the meteorite that wiped out the dinosaurs. A number of years later, and Tarzan has been raised by the local apes, and along comes Jane, who is there for eco-saving reasons, but her business partner is actually an evil businessman who now runs Tarzan's deceased parents company, and is here to find that same meteorite for it's 'unlimited power'.

Why the meteorite possesses such a power, or how anyone knows that, is never explained. Nor is it explained why seeking a clean, limitless power supply is evil, but we know it must be, cos the businessman who wants it shoots monkeys. Boo! Hiss! Bad guy!

Even aside from the shoddy story, there's still very little to recommend to kids of any age, let alone all ages. The animation is really quite cheap looking, like a late 90's video game, with the characters given all the expressive nature of a Thunderbirds puppet. Tarzan himself looks quite creepy, and with Lutz's animalistic, and oddly orgasmic, monkey sounds, as well as some questionable narration – 'A longing arose from deep within him...' - it beggars belief that nobody noticed this film slowly and steadily going off the rails.

That's not even to mention the completely-out-of-place Coldplay scene (you'll know it when you see it), the hilariously depressing epilogue, and the fact that the whole thing is just painfully dull. Even the most undemanding of four year olds will get fidgety watching this