Things $65 million can buy: a Gulfstream Private Jet, a Juan Mata transfer, or this disastrous action- thriller made from bits and pieces of other, better movies. 'I was seized by remorse and the sense of guilt, which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures, such as no language can describe.' A direct quote from Mary Shelley’s original novel there, and a good representation of how you’ll feel as the closing credits begins. How this made it from script to screen with hundreds, if not thousands of people, thinking it was a good idea is a greater miracle than bringing the dead back to life.
Eckhart plays Frankenstein’s Monster aka Adam, a creature caught in the middle of a centuries old war between Demons, headed by Bill Nighy (the only one here having any fun, including any potential audience members), and Gargoyles, led by Miranda Otto (dour) and Jai Courtney (one of the worst actors to have graced the big screen in some time). The Demons want to get their hands on Adam and/or Frankenstein’s notebook, so they can discover the key to reanimating their dead army and bring about an end to the Gargoyles and the humans, because… well, we’re sure they have their reasons, they just didn’t bother telling us.
Written and directed by Stuart Beattie, who has proved more adept at the former (Collateral, 30 Days Of Night) than the latter (Tomorrow When The War Began), but abandon all hope ye who might expect anything close to an understandable plot or decent dialogue and direction. Filmed in a city that seems entirely composed of back alleys and abandoned industrial estates, the ugly 3D conversion, PlayStation 1 era special effects, and planet size plot holes (Do the humans just not SEE these very public wars between two mythical creature hordes?), it would almost be so-bad-its-good if it weren’t so deathly dull.
With no good-guys to really root for (Adam kills an innocent woman in the opening credits, lovely), and with Eckhart playing the role so po-faced, it’s impossible to get any enjoyment out of it. The entire endeavour smacks of the Underworld universe (remember, Vampires VS Werewolves?), but without Kate Beckinsale in body-tight leather to distract us. Hollywood is really going to have to work hard to make a worse big-budget movie than this in 2014.
