Grown Ups 2

This would normally be the part of the review where we tell you exactly what the movie is about, who plays which character, what their motivations are, and what challenges they face over the course of the movie but doing that would actually take more time and effort than the writers of the movie seemed to expend on anything resembling relatable characters or humorous jokes in Grown Ups 2. Instead, let us tell you this; the movie opens with Adam Sandler and Salma Hayek in bed together, and they wake up to find a CGI deer in their bedroom, and it gets startled and pees on Sandler’s face. If you find that funny, you may enjoy Grown Ups 2. If you didn’t find that funny, congratulations, you are a fully functioning and reasonably balanced member of modern society.

While watching Grown Ups 2, a lot of questions will pop into your head over its purgatorial 101 minutes. Isn’t Chris Rock better than this? Haven’t we all agreed that David Spade isn’t funny? Are we still pretending that Kevin James is a thing? Wouldn’t the law turn a blind eye to someone bludgeoning Nick Swardson out of existence? Does Salma Hayek have to degrade herself to being a poor man’s version of Sofia Vergara in Modern Family? Wasn’t Maya Rudolf in SNL, and therefore recognise what is, or more pertinently in this case, is NOT funny? Is Maria Bello such a non-entity that literally any blonde actress could’ve played this role? Did even Rob Schneider see how bad this was that he wouldn’t return for the sequel?

Then the even bigger questions... Why did the original make over $270 million in the box office? How did this movie cost $80 million to make, which is more than the likes of Now You See Me or Gangster Squad? How was it already made its budget back AND THEN SOME in the States? Do they actually find Adam Sandler funny? Or worse still, does Adam Sandler actually find Adam Sandler funny?

Without a doubt the worst movie of 2013 so far, and it gets a half a star merely for existing. Avoid like your life depended it.