As 2016 draws to a close, there are many, many, many reasons why we want to see this year end once and for all.
It's not just the fact that some of our greatest icons have passed on during the year or the fact that former reality TV star Donald Trump is now in charge of nuclear launch codes, it's the fact that 2016 saw some truly awful films.
The kind that will stand the test of time and do permanent damage to the audience's psyche. The kind of terrible films that scar you permanently and, whenever you see or hear mention of them, your body physically recoils in disgust and it all comes flooding back. You cry alone in the shower, trembling and wishing that it all went out but it's not. You saw a naked Robert DeNiro beating himself off and people laughed.
Come forth, mortal, and witness.
On the surface, Criminal had a lot going for it. Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, Ryan Reynolds. Instead, we saw a lazy film about Ryan Reynolds entering Kevin Costner and it was nowhere near as interesting as that descriptor sounds. Bland, terribly directed, Eurotrash action with some of the most horribly cliche dialogue you'll ever hear.
There are so many things in our modern world that are, ultimately, unnecessary and needless. Those silica gel things you get when you buy a pair of shoes. Those cardboard cup-holders for a cup of coffee that's not all that hot. Physical junk mail. Mechanic: Resurrection is the silica gel of films. Nobody wants it. Nobody has any need for it. Nobody asked for it. Yet, it's there. Plus, why is Jessica Alba in this? Isn't she a bazillionaire thanks to that gluten-free crap she peddles? She decides to go back to acting for a role in this?!
2016 is undoubtedly the year when Rebel Wilson was universally rejected by audiences because SHE'S BASICALLY THE SAME IN EVERY FILM. Also, this was just beige tosh that was essentially false advertising. Dakota Johnson's character is not even single in it for less than five minutes. Call in the Advertising Standards Authority.
7. KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES
A film so terrible that the only way it could be marketed effectively was if it showed Gal Gadot and Isla Fisher in lingerie and wearing the face off one another. Really. That wasn't even enough to save it.
Garry Marshall has died. Garry Marshall can no longer make Garry Marshall films. This was the last Garry Marshall film. It is awful. We can't really go anywhere with this, so yeah. Garry Marshall is dead and his last film was Mother's Day.
There's more than few scenes in The Darkness where you can see Kevin Bacon look truly embarrassed to be involved with this. Let's not forget that in 2009, Bacon lost his entire life savings through Bernie Madoff's financial schemes. Yes, that means he has to star in utter crap like this in order to provide for his family. That's understandable and we get that. Brother's gotta eat. However, The Darkness is uniformly terrible so there's that, too.
Proof that God doesn't exist.
You would think a film with Australian actor Geoffrey Rush playing an Egyptian god who lives in a space station would be just the best thing ever. It isn't. However, that's really a thing in Gods Of Egypt. Also, it's got Cocktail star Bryan Brown in there as well- also as an Egyptian god. Again, this should be brilliant and instead it's just painfully bad on so many levels that devoting further time to describing it would waste yours and ours. It's bad, OK? Move on.
If you needed an allegory for 2016, here it is - Suicide Squad was panned pretty much by everyone, everywhere. How much money did it make globally? $745 MILLION. It had the highest opening weekend for a film in August. You think it's insane that Donald Trump was elected President? Suicide Squad made three-quarters of a billion dollars, globally. This is the world we live in now, people. Mediocrity is rewarded on a daily basis.
We've already said our piece on Dirty Grandpa before. We called it the Worst Film of 2016 in our review. We stand by that review. We can't add anything more to it - except this. If Dirty Grandpa is responsible for anything, it's for reminding us that there is more to life than devoting time to watching shit films. That's basically it. In 2016, we've watched as some of our greatest icons of the age perish through old age. Someone needs to take up the torch and carry the flame forward. Our lives are so short and fleeting and the older you get, the faster the years fly by. That might sound cliched, but I turned 31 this year and it's really true. Don't waste your time watching crap like this or anything else on this list. You're never too young to start over and be a different person. Start a band or learn an instrument. Go for a walk in your town, village or city. Visit a library or a museum. Talk to people in real life and not just on your phone. Look at art. Travel, if you can. Eat something you wouldn't normally eat. Write a book or a script. Have sex with someone you know or even someone you don't. Experiment. Live your life. Don't waste it because there isn't enough time. Just... live your life and don't watch Dirty Grandpa. That's the message here.
