How to haunt a house properly. After seeing so many haunted house stories, Our Gavin Burke has advice and FAQ for would-be spectres out there. For the purpose of this document, 'the hauntees' will be referred to as simply 'they' and 'them.

1. Windows, and brief appearances at. Appear at the window for a split second so when they do a double take, you're gone. Speed and stealth is an issue here. Also, when standing at the window waiting for them to wander into the room, make sure you're not seen hanging around by other members of the family that are currently not the focus of your spookiness. It would be embarrassing to be caught by another occupant of the house while you're waiting to scare someone.
Speaking of windows, when they are in the garden and look back at the house, be standing there at the window. Or at least walk past a window. For some reason, doing this during the day is far spookier than at night time. And try and make it an upstairs window – upstairs is scarier than downstairs for some reason.

2. Door slamming: when? Slam the front door repeatedly in the middle of the night, preferably at the same time every night. The timing is important, and is what makes it creepy. So do your research – if you're going to be up half the night slamming doors, make sure someone died at that exact time in the house. Also, to make then doubt themselves only slam the doors when it's windy outside.

3. Footsteps: do they still work? Yes, but it's becoming an outmoded practice. Plus it's tiring work walking around all night. It's why no one bothers rattling chains anymore. Heavy things, those chains.

4. Bed sheets, and the wearing of. No no no.

5. Bed sheets, and the tugging of. Most definitely, yes. The quick whip off of the bed sheets in the middle of the night is always a goer. However, they're always asleep and just sleepily pull them back on. You have to follow up this with a tug of the leg.

6. Cupboards, and their openings when she has her back turned. You know the drill. She's in the kitchen and all's okay, then she leaves for a moment, and when she comes back – WOW: all the cupboards are open! Like, there was no way anyone could have opened all of them in the time she was gone! While stealth and speed are essential here, in truth, this is more about impressing other ghosts. The 'opening cupboards when she's not looking' gag is the Prog Rock of ghostly activity.

7. Freaking the dog out: is it worth it? No. Dogs get freaked at the smallest thing anyway. They bark at the moon. Do you know what I mean?

8. Can the swings be used? Certainly. And especially at night. Swings are perfect when you want to scare the kids shitless. If the garden has a set of swings, give them a push just as they look out the window. If they creak, all the better. Go nuts.

9. Photographs: dos and don'ts. Tricky things, photographs. Get it wrong and you're too in focus and you look like an out of focus hugglemonster, but get it right and it's spine-chilling stuff. Tip: Try moving a lot just as the photograph is been taken so you'll come out all blurry. If you look too perfect a formation, others will think it's fixed and even less will believe in us. Try and appear in black and white ones – they work best – and preferably in the background, looking out an upstairs window.

10. Dolls and children's props. Dolls and puppets and marionettes are by nature heebie-jeebie inducing. Move them around so the dolls are in a different position than when they left it is a given but moving the doll to a different room entirely is a little vulgar, however. After that, they're getting the priest and no one wants that.

11. The smell of rotting flesh. That's what they think it is but we all know there's no keeping in a fart. A timely SBD, however, is both scary and rank. Double points for the scary guff.

12. Drafts and sudden drops in temperature. Up to you but it's cold enough these days. And do you know how hard it is to make one room feel colder than the rest? Your efforts would be better used elsewhere, like…

13. The séance. The old classic. The daddy. Oddly, despite seeing all the movies and knowing all the tricks, they still get a bit shifty when the table starts moving. Don't forget the whispers, and the blowing out of the candles. Try not to laugh.

14. Whispers and shouts. Avoid openly contacting them. Don't draw too much attention to yourself. You want to drag this thing out for as long as you can.

15. If the house is built on an old Indian burial ground. Don't mention it. Laughable today, but back in the 80s we mined this one for all that it's worth. Then it became a parody and it's not even referred to anymore. And Indian isn't the preferred nomenclature. Native-American, please.

16. Children. Always make friends with the youngest one - you need them to tell their parents that they talk to their 'new friend' at night. Give yourself a cute name. Jodie, or something. Get angry with the kid so they will eerily tell her mum and dad later, 'Jodie gets mad sometimes…' When the kid comes out with that one, the look on the parents' face is priceless.

17. Basements. Use. Especially if there's an old piano down there. It gives you a good chance to bang on a couple of keys and the old cliché of a piano playing in an empty room still works. And don't go overboard on the tune – just a few bars.

18. The phone call. Unfortunately this is all about luck – you don't have control over it. You've created a spooky moment where the whole house is hushed to listen to the creaks and moans going on somewhere else in the house, someone approaches the door from which the sound is coming from and RIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGGG. Everyone jumps. It's beautiful when it happens but you can't rely on it.

Gavin presents Cinerama on Phantom 105.2 every Thursday at 7pm.