As Hollywood continues to churn out remake after remake, plundering the depths of their film libraries for content to rejuvenate, there are some films that are beyond the pale.
They simply can't be touched and deserve some sort of Protected Status that will ensure they're left untouched by mortal hands again.
Here's twelve candidates that deserve to be locked away and never, EVER remade.
There is no musical artist alive who could replace David Bowie. Or, for that matter, replace his skin-tight jodhpurs and... erm... his unsightly bulge. Yeah. To be honest, it's highly unlikely a film like this would even be made in today's world. The very thought of a child being kidnapped? And a young girl in a potentially paedophilic relationship with said kidnapper? No way.
11. TOP GUN
Although a sequel was in the works with Tony Scott and Tom Cruise was mooted to return in the role of an instructor, we're sort of glad the project's no longer in active development. Top Gun was absolutely of its time. Kelly McGinnis' hair, Kenny Loggins and Berlin, Anthony Edwards' completely unironic moustache - it's TOO late 1980s and, quite honestly, you couldn't have that level of homoeroticism without someone drawing attention to it.
Do you REALLY want to see someone other than Christina Ricci air-dancing / shifting Devon Sawa? No. That moment is a precious childhood memory that needs protecting. They'd probably get the daughter from Modern Family or something to play Casper.
Out of everything on this list, this one has the most potential to be remade. It's quite simple, really. Replace Daryl Hannah with Kate Upton and Tom Hanks with Jake Johnson or Andrew Garfield. Update a few of the references. Maybe throw in a song from the '80s for nostalgia purposes. Mild applause. Everyone goes home.
Again, also has extreme potential for being remade. We're saying Andrew Garfield again because if you look at '80s Tom Hanks and Current Andrew Garfield, they're very similar. Around the face area.
7. THE NEVERENDING STORY
There's no way ANYONE could believe a young kid would sit and read a book for the length of time involved in the original Never-Ending Story. Not unless they had an iPad with Minecraft sitting on the book pages.
6. THE WITCHES
The traumatic experience of seeing those toes has mentally scarred each and every one of us. Not only that, the sight of Anjelica Houston eating a live rat and pulling off her face is burned into our brain for eternity. How inspired was it, by the way, to get Nicholas Roeg to direct a children's horror movie? This is the guy that made Don't Look Now and The Man Who Fell To Earth. And they made him direct a kid's movie. Honestly, like.
5. THREE MEN AND A BABY
We'll qualify this one. We would be open to the idea of potentially seeing where these characters are now, i.e. the child from this and Three Men And A Little Lady as a fully-grown adult. Tom Selleck's still got the moustache and Ted Danson's still funny. Steve Gutenberg's around somewhere, they can get him back. That apartment is still ridiculously chic, more so now even, and even the outfits Selleck and Co. wore are still fashionable... because hipsters and stuff.
4. DEATH BECOMES HER
Yes, the technology may now be present to update the bit where Goldie Hawn's stomach gets blown open. However, the now-crappy CGI is all part of the charm. Plus, would Oscar-winning actress Meryl Streep be willing to take a chance like this again? Think about pitch-black hilarious Death Becomes Her was. That kind of movie just doesn't exist anymore. Any attempt to remake it would ultimately be watered down.
3. EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
Tim Burton's gone right off the deep end when it comes to his quirky, weird-ass visuals and childhood tales that take a sinister, blackened turn. Back in 1990, it was a different story. Johnny Depp playing an eccentric goth was new and inspired. Now it's Johnny Depp in everything. And we mean EVERYTHING.
2. HOME ALONE
Trivia fact: Scarlett Johansson had one of her first movie roles in Home Alone 3. Another trivia fact: There was a Home Alone 3. Again, a modern updating of Home Alone simply wouldn't work. A young, precocious child left home alone? What with the Facebooks and the Skypes and the Twitters, they'd have clocked the child was gone long before anything good happened. And plus, it's more likely now for the parents to have a gun in the house that Kevin McAllister could get at. The Wet Bandits would end up being the Dead Bandits. And then it'd be a totally different film altogether.
1. BACK TO THE FUTURE
There's quite a few films that are made entirely by their cast. Back To The Future is one such film. Can you honestly imagine anyone but Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd as Marty McFly and Doc Brown? Of course not. Could you imagine anyone but Huey Lewis & The News doing the soundtrack? Hell no. Back To The Future was too good of a film to remake. It's perfect just the way it is. Also, there's no way the Libyans would get past Homeland Security and stuff nowadays.