We all love going to the cinema. The excitement of lining up to get your ticket for the film you’ve been waiting weeks, months, YEARS to come out. Stopping off at the kiosk to get the necessary food and drinks to accompany your movie-going experience. Then you sit down in the screen, the ads, the trailers, the certificate… and then… someone else in the cinema screen is going to ruin your good time.
We’ve probably all had a blind fury moment in a cinema due to one of the following types of people, and worse still, at one point or another, through pure accidental negligence on our part, we’ve probably BEEN one of these people, and felt the piercing shame of a fellow cinema-goer scolding us.
Yours truly was previously a cinema employee for over a decade, and has witnessed just about the worst humanity has to offer in a movie theatre, so with every type of annoying person below, a singular worst example of each has also been provided. Enjoy!
We’re all probably munching on popcorn, and we’re all probably slurping Coke through a straw, so everyone is already anticipating a certain noise level from the food in the screen. But then you’ll suddenly hear a very large bag of crisps being torn open, and the constant rustling of said bag throughout the entire movie, and then when they’re done, they’ll feel the need to crumble the bag up into a small ball. Or the person whose brought three or four cans of soda, and pulls the loud ring-tab every twenty minutes. We think the jury of your murder trial would be particularly lenient on you for that one.
Worst Example: during a screening of Saw III, one cinema goer whipped out a bag of walnuts and a nut-cracker, and proceeded to go to town on them. We kid you not.
Sometimes movies are funny enough to make us LOL, or sad enough to make us cry, or scary enough to make us jump and scream, and that’s totally to be expected. But there’s a small group of people who seem to have no control over their emotional responses, and laugh so loud and for so long that you’ve missed the next two minutes of the film, or so sad that they actually begin sobbing uncontrollably, or…
Worst Example: during a screening of The Descent, a nice lady was sat watching the movie with her nachos and cheese and jalapenos, and during one scary part, jumped so much that she threw her nachos, cheese and jalapenos over her head, covering four rows of people behind her in food.
You should probably know going into a movie how long it’s going to be, and limit your liquid intake accordingly. If you’re going to something short and snappy, then drink away. If you’re going to Titanic or something of equal length, then you should either hold off on the drinks, or prepare for a toilet break. How some people can’t seem to get through a single 90 minute film without visiting the bathroom three or four times, we’ll never understand.
Worst Example: during Gangs Of New York, a cinema-goer with a weak bladder fell asleep and didn’t quite make it to the bathroom…
Maybe it’s because we love film as much as we do, but the idea of missing the start of a movie seems sacrilegious to us. We’d rather catch the next one or miss the film altogether than to lose out on the first five minutes. But we can appreciate that not everyone is of the same mindset, and sometimes traffic or whatever will hinder your punctuality. But come on, if you’re twenty or thirty minutes late, what’s the point anymore?
Worst Example: a couple were twenty minutes late for Swordfish, missed the opening bombing scene, and then when it was constantly referenced to throughout the rest of the movie, they kept asking “What bomb?” YOU MISSED IT! YOU WEREN’T HERE, YOU FOOLS! (deep breath)
Not only have they already taken up TWO cup holders, one on either side of them, one with their drink and one with their bag of Maltesers (that’s NOT where you put sweets!), and then they take over the arm-rest, too! But that’s not enough, they then start slowly elbowing you over to the other arm-rest, and you feel like a one-man representation of Poland in the 1930’s.
Worst Example: while watching Blade II, not only did the seat neighbour take over the cup holders AND the arm-rest, but then sighed and grumbled loudly any time we tried to move away from their encroaching arm-ness. PLUS, they had their feet up on the chair in front of them!
Again, there’s a certain nasal capacity that we all expect going into a cinema, from the popcorn to the hot dogs to just the general whiff that goes along with a couple of hundred people sitting in the same room for a prolonged amount of time. But then there’s the folks who decided that this is the best time to whip out their McDonalds and scoff down, completely distracting everyone from the movie with the smell. Or their sushi. Or…
Worst Example: … during Dodgeball, someone had smuggled in an entire fish and chips from the local chipper. The salt and vinegar and grease and fish was simultaneously the greatest smell in the world, and enough to cause someone in the screen to scream profanities at the food owner.
It’s rare these days, but there are still some cinemas still do allocated seating for their customers, and after airplane seating, there is nothing that causes quite as much territorialism as seats in a cinema. “Sorry, I think you’re sitting in my seat…” is the way it starts, and 99.9999% of the time there is some embarrassed apologies as people switch around to their correct seats, and all is well, except for the tiny percentage who decide that they’re not moving, and maybe YOU should just sit somewhere else.
Worst Example: Like the guy in Anchorman who caused such a fuss when he was asked to move seats, that he simply began roaring at the top of his lungs, and had to be removed by the police. Some folk just don’t like being disturbed…
“WHAT HAPPENED THERE?”
Some movies require you to give them a little attention in order to keep up with what’s going on, or some movies are so vague that you kinda have to let them wash over you in, as trying to make sense of it isn’t really an option. While you don’t need a massive IQ, it helps if you’re smart enough to not keep asking questions, and while asking that question, missing a vital piece of information which will result in you asking more questions.
Worst Example: the three teenage girls who simply couldn’t keep up with Inception, but loudly sighed every time a handsome man appeared on screen. Which, it being Inception, was quite often. Then followed almost every two minutes by “So is this a dream or what?”
The cinema is a good place for date night, but it’s not a good place for ALL of the events of date night. You’re there in a big room with a bunch of strangers to watch a movie, not to play out your exhibitionist dreams of loudly getting to third base with people sitting on either side of you. There’s a movie on, something you paid (these days) quite a bit of money for, so why would you spend that time just making out sloppily, when you could’ve just done that at home? Stop rubbing your domestic bliss in our faces and get out of here!
Worst Example: happened in the back row during Basic Instinct 2. You can probably fill in the blanks yourself.
This day and age, even with the pre-movie heads-up telling you to turn it off or on to silent, some people just can’t seem to get through an hour and half without incessantly and constantly checking their phones. Between the loud ring tones, or the distractingly bright lights while they check Facebook (now? You need to do that now??), or the worst of the worst, the people who actually ANSWER their phones in the screen and proceed to have a conversation? Remember in Friends when Ross and Joey got kicked out of the theatre because Ross was on the phone, and his explanation was “I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!” Yeah, we would’ve murdered him right there on the spot.
Worst Example: happened only last week, when someone decided to log on to Instagram during the opening credits of Locke, and stayed on the app for THE ENTIRE GOD-DAMNED MOVIE. If you’re reading this, you know who you are, and there is a special place in hell reserved for people like you!