OOOH, say it ain’t so! Frankie’s been kicked off the X Factor for being pretty much a pair of infertility pants so Johnny can come back from his bedsit?!?

OK, that isn’t all true, most of it’s wishful thinking, but the Fankie being axed for literally just being pants (and hair) is true. But there’s more to it than that. Apparently he’s broken “a golden rule.” Let’s find out more, shall we?

*Rifles through The Sun* A show source said: "Frankie is devastated but he has broken a golden rule so producers had no option but to axe him. He had an extra boost from being kept in at the weekend when he thought he was going to go. But now his dream is officially over and he only has himself to blame."

Riiiight, but what exactly has he done? OK, he can’t sing, was never going to win anyway, and tactfully roared “FAKING ‘AVE ITTT” when he miraculously escaped being in the bottom two last week wasn't great PR, but apart from that - what’s the “golden rule?” Glamorising alcohol and only getting a half-hour’s kip before the watershed? No, the show’s producers only have themselves to blame for that.

Speaking of which, a statement from the X Factor people: “Nothing can be confirmed or denied, a statement [regarding Frankie] will be out as soon as possible."

NARGH! OK, let’s make up some potential Golden Rules that Frankie might’ve broken… will be back in a sec.

OK... hold the phone, Frankie's just after Tweeting "Who knew I wasn't allowed masturbate in the jacuzzi, that wasn't in the rule book."

That piece of genius aside, clearly penned by anyone other than Frankie, let's just face up to what's happening here... Picture the scene... Gary Barlow dressed as Simon Cowell sitting in a large swivel chair in a production room. Simon Cowell dressed as Gary Barlow being projected on a wall via Skype. Both of them saying in tandem:

"Listen, you can't sing, mate. You're never going to win. It's just ritual humiliation and an increasing level of boos from here on in. But we have a plan - we'll say you've done something wildly Rock 'n Roll, like you had a girl back to the X Factor house, and we had no option but to kick you out. You leave with your dignity somewhat intact, and Johnny gets a lifeline from the bedsit. Whaddaya say, kid?"

Here's the typically vague statement that's just been released.