See, we're not the only ones in a state of disbelief after Azerbaijan ran away with the Eurovision on Saturday night... Nigar Jamal and Eldar Gasimov could hardly believe it themselves.
Here's their winning performance. I've included the German TV footage to make it an authentic viewing experience. Wonderbar. If you'd prefer to see the performance that made Europe say 'Yes' to Azerbaijan (and their abundance of untapped natural resources, namely oil), here is their offering from the first semi-final. Yep, out of 43 entrants, this was the best in the eyes of an entire continent... perhaps the voting public were dazzled by the lady singer's magnificent head of hair. If you've yet to hear the winner and are unable to access video in your workplace, conjure up an image of four Bratz dolls, with an extra blonde one for good measure, murding a Keane reject, with added pyrotechnics.
Blue topped the board at one point, which led Graham Norton to enthusiastically roar "QUICK, SOMEONE TAKE A PHOTO". Sadly for them, despite getting a herd of votes initially, they finished 11th. Jedward came in 8th - putting Ireland back on the map, which is no mean feat. We sent our Caught Out photographer to Dublin Airport yesterday to catch the twins' return home (and to see if he'd survive getting high-kicked in the face by John)
Italy's answer to an ivory tickling Peter Barlow took second place, with Sweden's Mr. Popular finishing third (sheild your ears). Switzerland undeservedly came last.
So, what have we learned? Firstly, we should probably send Jedward again next year, and every year until they win (then we can set about building the hamster wheel and coercing Tubridy into installing a dry ice machine on his person). Secondly, that no matter how extreme Jedward get onstage, we'll still never win thanks to giant that is Eastern Europe block voting. And, lastly, that one should never consume a bottle of red wine while attempting to live blog over a prolonged period of time... Here are a selection of the more coherant Tweets from Saturday night.
#Eurovision: Host Stefan Raab's been at the Botox, that or his forehead is made of ham... Where are the eyebrows?
deedles2010 @EntertainmentIE His eyebrows have slipped down his face. They're either side of his mouth
#Eurovision and here's Jeff Brazier singing for Finland. If I hear one more comparison to Nizlopi I'm going to pass out with the originality
#Eurovision Bosnia Herzigovina - David Norris again, super. Bring on the jovial Levellers. Isn't that the dude off NSync on the horn?
#Eurovision Denmark and their original hair are up next. Apparently Graham Norton (yep, I had to switch) 'really likes this song'...
#Eurovision Lithuania bird is great with her hands - good way to get the deaf vote.
#Eurovision Hungary now, "Duncan from Blue is fond of this Retro Pop song" - Bet Marty didn't know that fact. I'll stop the Marty bashing now
#Eurovision Is it wrong that I'm getting turned on by #Jedward's video wall?
#Eurovision Greece, I know things are bad but, jaysis, keep the chin up, take a leaf out of #Jedward's book.
#Eurovision Blue are on next, so "Start lighting candles and saying prayers now". Graham's words, not mine. I'm not hating Switzerland's offering
#Eurovision "I Can"('t stop thinking of Antony Costa pissing up against a cash point). It's like a theme song for a tampax ad...
#Eurovision By the by, there's a singalong feature on the Sky Box... BOOBATHON couresy of Slovenia. It's been too long since Thursday ladies... Roxette with added mammaries.
#Eurovision NOOOOO, it's Georgia - TURN OVER NOW, THERE'S RAPPING... Georgia = Evanesence fronted by Jane McDonald
Believe it or not, it got worse from there on in. As in I started tweeting pictures of my friend's "cat rodgering a catnip drenched scratching poll" in favour of watching Germany's interval act, which was along the lines of "Brian Harvey meets Mambo No. Five mating with Ricky Martin, with a side of Rupert." *hangs head* On the upside, Charlie Brooker was almost as demented: "Eurovision Intermission. Like In Marathon Man when Dustin Hoffman passes out during "dentistry" but then Olivier starts on fresh tooth."
Ah, the Eurovision. Why do we put ourselves through it every year? For acts like this, that's why.
