RTE's TV schedule for the autumn winter ahead has just burrowed its way into my inbox. It's going to be a loooooong, desolate winter.

OK - as usual - the factual programming end of things cannot be faulted, RTE truly excel in this regard. The same goes for most of their Lifestyle choices (The Model Scouts are back, as well as a rake load of cookery programmes). And they've got a good reputation when it comes to their acquisitions (this time around, they've bought in The Big C with Laura Linney, Body of Proof starring Desperate Housewives' Dana Delaney, and Blue Bloods featuring Tom Selleck). But their entertainment programmes simply make me sick. Angry and sick. Angry, sick, and inert all at the same time.

Before we get stuck in, we'll set aside the new offerings that present a glimmer of hope:
Stand and Deliver Presented by comedian Barry Murphy this features top class comedy coming from the Roisin Dubh in Galway.
ICA Bootcamp 4 pampered young women are giving a crash course in life skills by 3 no nonsense ICA women.
Trivia A new comedy series which follows the relationships between four members of a table quiz team from a small town in Monaghan as they close in on victory for 52 consecutive weeks.
Spooked A documentary following a group of twenty something’s stationed in a haunted location over one weekend.
Under Ether Michelle Doherty presents this music series covering all aspects of the alternative music scene.
The Savage Eye David McSavage returns for a new series of The Savage Eye. (I know a lot of you loathe him, but the man has a rare thing in Irish television - some semblance of innovation in conjunction with production values)
OMG! It's Jedward! Offers insider's a look at what life inside the Jedward bubble is like. ('cause we've been left in the dark thus far)
Mattie A new 6-part comedy staring Pat Shortt as Mattie Dwyer, a hapless Limerick-based detective.

I'm seriously grappling at straws with the last one, the pilot was uninspiring, but worse folk could be given their own shows... observe...

Mrs Brown's Boy Comedian Brendan O'Carroll introduces us to the colourful world of Mrs Brown and her extended family.
Do the Right Thing Baz Ashmawy and Lucy Kennedy present the search for Ireland's Ultimate Volunteer (gurnarama)
Livin' with Lucy Returns for a 3rd series as Lucy takes residence in the spare rooms of six more celebrities.
The Saturday Night Show Journalist and broadcaster Brendan O'Connor returns to Saturday nights, providing an entertaining mix of with lively chat, comedy and music.
The Panel Craig Doyle and panellists cast a wry eye over the week's news.
The Republic of Telly...

No, no, no, hang on:

One Night Stand Jennifer Maguire takes 3 singletons out on the pull in the most extreme first night ever...

I'm lost for words... Brendan, yeah, you muddled your way through The Apprentice: You're Fired grand 'n all, but the Saturday Night Show was the very definition of bungling parochial curd. There's self-deprecating, and then there's self-flagellation with one's own spine. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't do it (for innumerable reasons), but you reeeally didn't look like you were enjoying yourself. Maybe that's why RTE have deemed it a winner with viewers. To be fair, though, at least you didn't have an entire segment devoted to reanimating a tray of dead fish... Hello Craig Doyle. I see they're placating you with the host slot of The Panel. Best of luck, it worked wonders for David McWilliams - probably because he was unable to keep Delamere and the miniature perennially pipe-toting Haughey on a tight leash. He knew his place in their grand scheme of things, will you?

And we must thank God for small mercies - true, they're giving Lucky Kennedy (the K is there for a reason) two shows, but at least they've enough cop to relegate her chat show to the more squalid recesses of one's psyche. One could say I'm still bitter about being involved in the pilot, and they'd be right.

As for Republic of Telly, a few words of advice for Neil Ofthesea: Try and get more people in the audience if possible, it looks (and sounds) like there's approximately five students huddled in the bowels of a canoe. Don't let the lovely Mairead Farrell near the makeup box, the natural look becomes her more - as does natural chat - who needs a stilted script when you've got two of the reputedly funnier people in the country sharing a canoe with a load of drunk students? Lastly, bare in mind you are nowhere near the league of Harry Hill; unbelieveably enough, you don't have the budget of ITV (although you should do given the licence fees. I'd have a word with Tubridy and Kenny about soaking up the coffers). However, you can always run with Hill's "pre-advert break fights" involving the deluge of useless souls gracing our telly boxes. In fact, why not devote the entire show to them; forking over €160 a year for licence fees wouldn't be so revolting if we knew we'd get to see Craig Doyle and Brendan O'Conner kicking seven shades of skitter out of each other. And there could be a jelly-themed three way tag-team scenario featuring serious business woman/apparent dating show host Jennifer Maguire, Lucky 'wouldn't you love to know how much I got paid for these omnipotent Board Gas ads!' Kennedy, and Blathnaid NiTwistedBowel. Derek Moony could referee.

Why stop there; you could have five a side to the death using a rolled up Podge and/or Rodge as the football (they'd probably comply given they're now've been axed in favour two other muppets). The cadavers of Bill, John, Eamonn, and whatever randomer pundit who happened to be available could be fashioned into goal posts; rage in a cage featuring the new afternoon fodder of Claire Bleehrne and Maura Derranged ("vibrant new blood" Daithi OSe will insist upon refereeing that one); Derek Davies and Marty Whelan engaging in an eating contest, in which they must gorge upon leftovers from the RTE canteen off of the more poisionous parts of Twink's body...

The possiblities, like Ireland's TV talent vacuum, knows no bounds.