Michael Lohan, so motivated by the thought of publicly howling at his daughter's graveside, managed to cajole some law enforcement types into making a surprise visit to Lindsay's apartment.

Splash News reports: "Michael Lohan surprised Lindsay at her L.A. apartment when he arrived unannounced with police officers, with the primary reason being to check on the safety of Lindsay's younger sister Ali, 16. But he also wants to take action to get help for Lindsay, insisting she went on a 'binge' at Coachella music festival and is under 'life-threatening danger' because of her lifestyle: 'I can't go on every day worried if it's going to be her last day or not (but I've got the press release and the rights to a show depicting my grieving process ready to rawk)... There was just a mattress on the floor, no furniture (in the apartment). She had bloodshot eyes, makeup all over her face (much like myself every morning) - listen, it's not the daughter I know (like the one I knew so well when I was away in prison or out of my mind on booze). I went to the bedroom and Lindsay was still sitting on the mattress on the floor. She said, 'What are you doing here?' and then she started shouting, 'Get out! Get out!'. She was irate. One of her so-called friends comes out of the room, looking like a walking zombie. I asked, 'Who are you?' and she just said, 'A friend'... I said to Ali, 'You belong at home'. She just started crying." As for him bringing along the police for the experience: "They were there for one reason - to make sure Ali was OK. And she seemed to be OK, at least physically."That's why he's trying to break her from the inside.

Where did Michael spill all this? Oh, just during a "live chat on news website TMZ." As for the "She had bloodshot eyes, makeup all over her face - listen, it's not the daughter I know" comment, it's unclear what daughter he knows at all considering this nugget from Mom of the Year, Dina Lohan: "I'm petrified for my girls and their safety (so much so I let Ali and Lindsay alone together so they could both whip each other up into a frenzy). They are so afraid for their lives. My girls are so afraid of him, I've had an order of protection place since 2005 and it stands until 2011. Ali is out there visiting... Michael walked into the apartment, looked right at Ali and said, 'I'm looking for my daughter Ali, is she here?'"

Weeeell, that's embarrassing. But it might explain why Ali, according to Michael, "just started crying." It's disturbing when your father fails to recognise you, possibly mistaking you for someone twice your age in the process, and then says "you belong at home." Where's that, Daddy?! With you and your barring orders, TMZ Live chats and fame mongering fiancé, or with the less mature, blonder version of my mother figure? My mother figure being the one that didn't force me to partake in a reality TV show.

We'll leave the final words to Lindsay, who naturally took to The Talentless Celebrity Venting Machine after her father and his entourage of uber concerned cops departed: "My 'ex-dad' just walked into my apt like the devil's advocate with officers. Let’s not forget that my father kidnapped me from a court room when I was 4 years old and is crazy... He has never paid child support and is marrying a tabloid writer and can barely spell his own name due to his 'brain' that has been ruined due to his drug use. When will it ever end… it’s been going on my whole life with him - hasn't he caused enough pain?"

Keep up the good work, Michael, sterling bit of reverse psychology. With any bit of luck she'll ensure her own survival just to spite you.