As previously mentioned on many occasions, it's quite startling the lengths to which some desperate souls will go to in order to sell themselves, whether it be a book, a fitness DVD, an album... Most recently we had Jennifer Love Hewitt declaring that she let her friend bedazzle her nethers with Swarovski Crystals when she was feeling particularly low in order to sell her book about breakups. That's nothing in comparison to the pains Heidi Montag has gone to. Yes, that generic, CGI-looking West Coast American blonde up there on the top left of this segment is Montag. And you thought she couldn't look more homogenised. But we'll get to that in a jiffy.

Heidi has an album out - which she believes will have the "staying power of Michael Jackson's Thriller... I definitely do. I've spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It's cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality." Indeed, Heidi is that chronic at singing she had to spend that millions overproducing it beyond recognition. A bit like her face.

Despite believing her record, entitled Superficial, is the magnus opus of this burgeoning decade, Montag still felt the need to let her "neighbour" believe she was being kidnapped, and rearrange her face to such an extent that she landed the cover of People Magazine (leaving the Obamas with the pithy top right corner), on the very same week the album was released.

Firstly, regarding the kidnapping, it turns out that Heidi just so happened to have her "pink Hermes (plug, plug, plug) scarf over me. A neighbour was concerned and called the police. We're thankful to the LAPD for their response and making sure we were safe." It also just so happens that Heidi has had another boob job, her "nose redone" and her "chin reduced" and has been covering her face since late November.

Woah there, lovey. You're only 23, you'll run out of body parts to tinker with by the time you're 30. Next thing you know, you'll land in on Spencer violating an inflatable doll 'cause he "just wanted to hug something that didn't squeak on contact" and he "misses things that jiggle". That and Jesus told him to.