Ah, Australia. It seems to me, having never visited there, that it is a country where almost literally everything there is bad for you. They have sharks gobbling up long-haired surfers on their coastline, their hotter-than-all-hell weather is responsible for numerous deaths every year, they have spiders hanging out in every nook and cranny just waiting to assault you and/or crawl into your mouth while you're sleeping, their fish murder popular television hosts....and then there's Alf Stewart's notorious temper. Flamin' 'eck!
But surely there's some respite in there somewhere, no? What about the noble koala bear, one of the cutest animals around? Surely they just chill out atop the trees, eat some greenery and generally emit cool vibes and positivity?
Well, not quite. Apparently over 80% of koala bears carry Chlamydia. The little bastards obviously skipped their sexual health lectures when they were little koalas. What's more, there have been cases where they've transferred the STI to humans. And what's EVEN more, apparently some members of One Direction may have contracted Chlamydia from a koala bear, or at least that's how they tell the story.
Liam Payne of the band said: "I'm genuinely scared. This is worrying. I'd have never picked the thing up if I'd known", in what could be the most PG contraction of a sexually transmitted infection ever.
It would seem that this is the squeaky-clean boy band equivalent of a coked-out dreadlocked bass player getting the clap from a Cambodian prostitute.
It should be noted, however, that transmission of an STI from a koala to a human is unlikely (though not impossible), thus rendering this entire article almost meaningless. The joke's on you, dear reader.
John Balfe
