Yesterday's Cannes gallery has been haunting me... and not just thanks to the unrelenting array of scorched fat cats in shiny suits parading up carpets. It's something far more sinister. You might be able to foretell what I'm leading up to. The accompanying photograph is usually an indicator.

You know that feeling, when you first wake up in the morning and you think: "Why have I got an uneasy feeling in my belly... oooohhh", and then the thoughts from the day before come flooding backwards and punch you square in the gut. Usually while you're perched on your beside, or - if it's taking you a while to gather your thoughts - the toilet bowl. Well, this pair were part of this morning's "perched bedside/toilet bowl" montage.

The first thing I did upon entering the office was lunge at the computer to see if the two visages that imbued my dreams were that f*cking MENTAL looking. The plumped cheeks encompassing sinking eyes, waterbed lips and Desperate Dan inspired chins... the second viewing was worse than the first. I found myself starring into the one of the left's eyes for what seemed like an eternity. *whispers* The horror.

Thankfully, the lovely and informed Pandora had left a handy link to a page depicting the Bogdanov's transition through time. They were actually quite acceptable in the 80s. Then, assuming they usually stand on the same side, Grichka got an unnecessary chin implant in the early 90s, adopted the guise of 'Will Truman', and it all went south from there.

According to the twins, they come from "aristocratic" Russian/Austrian lineage, and were born in southwest France in 1949. And they just happen to be controversial physicists with their own theory as to what happened during the all important first ten seconds of the Big Bang, known as "the Planck era. Present knowledge is unable to determine what happened during the Planck era (possibly when Pat Kenny was created), and the Bogdanov publications purported to have discovered what happened during this earliest epoch, and even before the moment of the singularity itself." Indeed.

Their theories have been ridiculed (shocker) by their peers, who have said their papers are "a mishmash of superficially plausible sentences containing the right buzzwords in approximately the right order. There is no logic or cohesion in what they write."

Seemingly they've employed their "no logic/cohesion" theory to their respective faces. Maybe they decided to start warping themselves to coincide with the release of their book, Avant le Big Bang, to show what happens to life forms during the all-important Planck era - "regardez, nous ont fait un grand coup partout nos visages!" (roughly translates as "look, we have done a big bang all over our faces). Or perhaps they hope that when the aliens come and invade earth, they can just blend in, or - glory of all glories - be accepted, nay revered, amongst the visiting elders. Or maybe they landed their own science fiction themed TV show in the 70s/80s and didn't like the look of themselves on camera. So they thought this was an improvement.

Anyway, the result is frightening. The Jedwards of Wildenstein. The next photo due to be tacked on to the helpful guide, from the late 2010s, will most likely display two gnarled fist faces, with painted on eyes and garish red lips painted across the forefinger and the thumb, topped with black woolly hair.

Watch and learn, Heidi Montag. Watch and learn. All you need to do is find yourself a twin to share and facilitate your collective dismorphia. In fact, why not give Joan Rivers a bell.