I thought all my Gossip Christmases had come at once when I read Perez Hilton's latest headline - "Victoria Beckham Hearts Ball Gags & Anal Beads." Sweet Jesus, really? Could it be? One of the world's most watched women reveals all about her Beckham boudoir antics with the sexiest man on the planet? No, not quite, but that doesn't mean we can't speculate. The only news here is that Posh Spice, much like the rest of the planet's female population, is reading EL James's Fifty Shades of Grey. I, like Victoria, am also half way through the second installment of James's knicker twisting triology and at this stage I'm struggling to give a rat's about the insufferable pain in the hoop that is Anastasia Steele. She's got about as much charm as as ironing board yet still, every man that comes within an inch of her wants to get stuck in. And for GOD SAKE would she ever stop wearing her friend Kate's clothes and buy some of her own? And don't even get me started on Mr. 'Oh baby, stop biting your bottom lip or you'll be punished' Christian Grey. Seriously, what a psychopath. Whoever does end up playing him in the movie adaptation would want to be severely attractive because when it comes to Grey's personality - or lack thereof, he hasn't got one redeeming quality.

I could rant into next week about how once you get over the initial wave of soft porn, it's really just a steaming pile of pants and yet it manages to out SELL JK Rowling's Harry Potter? What an upsetting revelation. Though, as a friend on Twitter pointed out, there's clearly just too many contented wizards in the world and not enough satisfied women. I do quite like the idea of Posh reading these books though. There's scarce a woman in this world, I imagine, who reads this book smug in the knowledge that their own husband is categorically more swoon-worthy than Ana's pants-melting boyfriend. FYI, I'm leaving personalities entirely out of the question here, 'cause while Beckham's abs sure do bend and curve like a calculus graph, he's hardly got the dulcet tones to match.

VB says: "I'm halfway through the second one. I even bought my mum the book! But every time she tries to engage in conversation about it, I kind of dodge the subject… 'I don't really want to talk to my mother about S&M."

So what you're saying is... you and Mr Beckham have your own Christian Grey style contract - beads, gags and all? KNEW IT, you saucy minx. No wonder the babies are coming ten a penny.