We witnessed a surprisingly lithe, middle aged woman hoist her toe to her lips last night. Why? To chew on her large toenail, of course. Lord knows what additional toe activity she gets up to in her private time. Ulrika, fair play to her, managed to carry on her conversation with Ms. Malone while she merrily munched away, barely missing a beat. Shock will do that to you. Now, if one of the male contestants attempted to gnaw on their own hoof she might've made some protestations. This proves that everyone in the house is petrified of Tina Malone. I'm not sure why - could she possibly do anything more alarming than chomp on her own toenails? Not even from a bag - while still attached to her own foot…
Now that the fever's gone and I'm back in the office, I can confirm that this series of Celebrity Big Brother is indeed an entertaining rollercoaster of visual bizaarities. Of recent times, we've had all contestants emulating the hip thrusting flash dancers from Eric Prydz's aural hell Call On Me (Verne being the clear winner, with Coolio's facial expressions nabbing second), we've had the aforementioned cuticle scoffage *heaves* and, last night, we had Terry Christian doing a fine impersonation of Gollum. Coolio, Verne and LaToya had to don the garb of ye olde English people and display their knowledge regarding the country's culture in the Best of British test. When they answered a question incorrectly, all British housemates, dressed in an array of metallic onesies in the sitting room, got electric shocks in their arse cheeks. Mutya found this particularly harrowing, while Patches lay quietly on the couch, a curious smile creeping across his craggy features whenever a shock was applied. He took himself off to the bathroom to do some hefty weights afterwards…
In other happenings; Michelle took off her hoodie to engage Ben in a "friendly" arm wrestle. She "succumbed to him" but, as Ulrika mentioned, her "breasts looked perfect throughout". Would Michelle have enjoyed such a tussle with Ben had she known that LaToya had, but moments prior, decided to divulge to Tina that "two people are in love in this house". They then, like two hens, clucked on about the pair being in denial and how Michelle was pursuing Ben subconsciously. Something her Dublin hailing boyfriend, Hugh, probably knew was on the cards given Michelle, according to ex-husband Andy Scott Lee, is a serial cheater. But Ben is hardly an innocent party here. He didn't exactly jump to move bedrooms when Tina asked if anyone was willing to swap with Mutya. In addition to this, when he went to the diary room last night to whine about people taking the piss out of him and Michelle, the first thing he said was "I don't want to break up anyone's relationship". Surely the first thing he should've said was "I'm very happy with my girlfriend". Then again, I believe he's met his "last three girlfriends on FaceBook". He's only mentioned that fact about three times now.
Last Night's Highlights: LaToya saying to Ben: "You're so like my brothers. You're delicate. They're not real men, like, proper men… OK I'm gonna stop now, right?"… LaToya saying grace while George Formby's When I'm Cleanin' Windas blared in the background… Mutya bellowing "It was a duet, actually!" when LaToya said the ex-Sugababe sang "background" for George Michael... Last Night's Lowlights: Tina shouting "I'm gonna piss all over the floor" when getting shocked… Tina's aforementioned feasting *shudders*.