The Mallett's gone for a hop *dances*. And so has Esther Rantzen * boos and hisses*. And Brian 'I Couldn't Negotiate My Way Out of a Box of Kittens' Paddick is still hanging on in there by the strings of his weeny swimming trunks…
To recap: Saturday's show ended with the announcement that Timmy and Brian were in the bottom two, and had to face each other in a challenge called Last Chance Saloon (which is a more fitting title for the programme as a whole). This entailed the pair scarfing a load of manky bush things. Brian managed to carry out the task with his customary efficiency (complete with vacant stare), while Timmy flung most of the delights, which included a camel peniscalada, down his front.
Being a staunch believer that people puking pureed animal parts does not qualify as primetime television, I flicked around for most of this segment and, therefore, I'm not entirely sure how Brian came about winning. Was it because Timmy forgot to adhere to one of the rules? Or was it because he clamped his wee nails down on Brian's forearm to aid the swallowing of some worm or other? Either way, it meant Brain could march purposefully back to the camp, into the open arms of the majority present (the minority being DVD), and set about stirring an almighty amount of sh*te.
First, Brian declared that Timmy's clawing of his forearm was some ingenious machination to stop the gay policeman from swallowing. To be fair, it just looked like Timmy has hamming it up for the cameras as usual and got a wee bit carried away. Also, the Mallett is a vegetarian, so he must've found the task especially difficult - thus proving, yet again, that desperation truly knows no bounds.
Secondly, the former police chief attempted to commandeer a bed for Simon, 'cause the singer has a hurty neck. Instead of ousting a charming geriatric (George) from the comfort of the red bus, the group decided David should be the one to go. Esther said she'd be willing to give up her flat bed for David and she'd go into a hammock. Nicola then announced she was getting the flat bed before David as her boobs were making her back hurt. Her reasoning went something like this: "I've brought the wrong bras. I should have worn sports bras but they don't make the boobs look nice so I didn't. This sounds like my fault but it's not. Well, it is really because I did get them made this size." You truly do suffer for your art, Nicola.
Much quibbling later; it came down to Brian hauling David off for a walk to chat about the hammock Vs bed conundrum. Brian attempted to sway DVD by saying he could prove all his critics wrong by agreeing to the hammock. DVD said he couldn't give two tosses, so Brian - a negotiator by trade - said he'd take the hammock. Then, and this is where it really kicked off, Brain sloped over to Simon, Esther and Mickey from EastEnders and mumbled: "Do you think Nicola and Martina are pissed off that I didn't get David into a hammock?" Mickey went mental, pointing out that it should be about Simon's hurty neck getting a bed, not getting David into a hammock. Brian tried to calm him down by interjecting Mickey mid rant with: "Joe... I love you man". This might usually prove to be an effective method of disarmament for Brian, but not one should deploy on national TV, 'cause it made him look like a consummate muppet.
As Brian, the fleshy embodiment of a bridge, was immune from last night's vote, Esther got kicked out. I liked Esther. She had caring, no sh*te about her quality, and she's a good ambassador for tidy ladies of a certain age. Sure, she was overly dramatic at times, but she called Brian a "sentimental old fool" which made having to watch last night's 1.5 hour installment almost bearable. Unfortunately, the montage of her near howling in ecstasy as Mickey gave her various a rub downs negated everything, and sent my brain whimpering off into a dark corner of my sitting room.
Tonight, my money's unimaginatively on either Brian or Simon (vomiting loudly and devising an I'm a Celebrity inspired song, worse than Biff, Baff, Boff, will not endear him to the public) leaving our screens.