Ah Simon Cowell; some way you always manage to make us squirm, cringe or be glad we're not as disgustingly wealthy as you are.
So desperate is the X Factor head honcho to defy aging and retain that silver-back gorilla look he's known for working, he gets facials done not with a bit of old fashioned mud but with sheep placenta. Mmm, pass me my porridge there purlease. A source reveals: "Simon is forever trawling the health and beauty market, looking for all the latest fads... He's tried vitamin injections, drips, detoxes, smoothies, Botox and massages, but after reading rave reviews about placenta facials, decided he had to give them a go... He reckons they take years off his complexion, and give him back the shine and joie de vivre [that] long hours and smoking take away."
Listen Simon, no amount of sheep guts will give you Nicole Scherzy's glow; if you want to be down with the kids and let your 'joie de vivre' shine through (ahem), just ditch the pants. There's nothing youthful about wearing trousers up to your tits (like my poor Granddad did, God rest his soul) to accentuate what you see as 'pecks' and what the rest of us see as a pair of hairy moobs. A pair of regular waisted jeans won't cost you $533 either.