So here I am, back from the holliers, jetlagged to smithereens, and it's the most sluggish news day imaginable. How is one expected to stay awake when the top showbiz news article in today's Sun is all about Lady GaGa landing a deal with Twinings...
Thankfully there are some photos from the LA premiere of Salt to ogle. Observe how gleefully happy Angelina and Brad look together. How could anyone possible spread a rumour that they're perennially on the cusp of splitting when they look like they're about to launch into a rendition of Especially For You. Perhaps Angelina simply wants to stare at Brad head on now that he's ditched the dodgy beaded merkin he had adorning his chin for the last eternity.
In the absence of anything else worth babbling about, I've compiled a Do's and Don'ts list from me holliers. Why, yes, I am reluctant to move on - despite American celebrity gossip coverage being as enticing as a bout of the clap. All they're talking about over there is Lindsay Lohan going to rehab before going to jail (speaking of which, another lawyer has quit on her. Yep, the guy who defended OJ Simpson legged it on Lindsay), and those Mel Gibson tapes. Although he soes sound like an possessed toddler gargling whisky and rubble while chocking on a "pacifier" in one of them, which was both horrifying and giggle-inducing. But mostly horrifying.
Anyway, if anyone is fortunate enough to be heading to New York in the coming weeks, here's a wee guide I might have found helpful before I headed over. Don't crack jokes with the kind folk at immigration. The other half nearly wasn't granted entry as he thought it'd be a great idea to quip he might stay in the states to "see what the craic is." Don't pack anything bar shorts, vests and flip flops: it's about 95 degrees with high humidity. I found myself commandeering the fellah's shorts on the second last day 'cause I couldn't handle the clammy thigh friction anymore... Do get a decent "bug repellent". I got savaged. Leper legs aren't a great look... Do try to see La Cage Aux Folles. Kelsey Grammer's variation of Frasier is fabulous, but he pales in comparison to Douglas Hodge's Zaza... Do hang round the stage door afterwards 'cause they'll come out for a chat... Don't bother going anywhere near Bleeker Street, especially if you're a Bob Dylan fan. That part of SoHo has descended into Temble Bar territory, and you're liable to find yourselves standing in a pile of puke while being refused entry from a bar filled with drunk shirts 'cause you're not stupid enough to carry your passport around... Do get a photocopy of your passport to cart about with you, or your driver's licence, if you're planning on drinking anywhere commercial. I'm 33 and still got asked. What started as a thrill soon became a tad tiresome. You'll find the better boozers, like the Soho Rooms and Cafe Noir, won't ask you for ID... Do go to the Meatpacking district for dinner (Paradou is best. As in it won't pillage your pockets to the extent of disintegration). Ironically, the eateries around there are brimming with beautiful models... Finally, do please let me know where one can buy Twinkies. I promised Mike one upon my return but couldn't find the little bastids anywhere...