On Saturday, Nickelodeon's 2011 Kids Choice Awards / AKA Little Lolita Parade took place in L.A. May I present exhibits A, B, C , D, E and the ludicrously unachievable F. OK, so none of them are as bad as this, or this, but they make me feel a bit fearfull for them all the same. After all, look who they have to look up to - sex tape stars in the form of Paris Hilton and a horny milk maid; barely formed full time performers; pioneer of female empowerment Snoop Dogg; Melanie Brown; a stick insect; the vampire mermaid from planet Harpie; 38-year-old Josh Duhamel masquerading as a Ken doll; and a well-documented sex pest. He's not having a fit, more trying to communicate to the perplexed assembled that he's the gentleman what voiced that bunny from Hop - as opposed to air humping a photo of Katy Perry he produced from his wallet.
Yeah, so thank God for the presence of Jane Lynch, Stevie Wonder and - I never thought I'd say this - Miley Cyrus. True, arbitary Kardashian also had a classy dress on, but Miley actually also has a talent so that makes her the winner.
Those also in attendence included Heidi Klum, Sofia Vergara, Mr. Carey, Selena Gomez, and increasingly burnt umber-hued Pixie Lott; and Joe Jonas in the company of a liddlar Jonas who, somehow, also looks like a middle aged member of Bon Jovi...
To the winners:
Favourite TV Show
iCarly
Favourite Reality Show
American Idol
Favourite TV Actor
Dylan Sprouse
Favourite TV Actress
Selena Gomez
Funniest TV Sidekick
Jennette McCurdy
Favourite Cartoon
SpongeBob SquarePants
Favourite Male Athlete
Shaquille O'Neal
Favourite Female Athlete
Lindsey Vonn
Favourite Movie
The Karate Kid
Favourite Movie Actor
Johnny Depp (Alice in Wonderland)
Favourite Movie Actress
Miley Cyrus (The Last Song)
Favourite Animated Movie
Despicable Me
Favourite Voice from an Animated Movie
Eddie Murphy (Shrek Forever After)
Favourite Buttkicker
Jackie Chan (The Karate Kid)
Favourite Music Group
The Black Eyed Peas
Favourite Male Singer
Justin Bieber
Favourite Female Singer
Katy Perry
Favourite Song
'Baby' (by Justin Bieber, featuring Ludacris)
Favourite Book
Diary of Wimpy Kid series
Favourite Video Game
Just Dance 2
Arm Fart Hall of Fame
Josh Duhamel