Nay, that's Jamie Lynn Spears. And that's wrong. Now go scrub your brain. Actually, hang about 'cause you'll also have to give it a wee wipe after reading this dirge. Two birds, 'n all that.
To the matter at hand: Michael Lohan believes he's stable enough to be given conservatorship hold over his daughter - he told a US radio show yesterday morning. You see, that's where he and Jamie Spears differ; Jamie doesn't blab. Sure, he's got a wily brother called Road Kill Willy who'll blab for booze, but that's not quite the same. Willy jigs around a barbequed stoat when he's got a story to tell, whereas Jamie just silently glowers at Britney's unruly appendages.
Over to Splash News: "Michael Lohan appeared on the Kidd Kraddick show where he confirmed to the host he was meeting with his lawyer to ask a sentencing judge to force Lindsay into a rehabilitation centre or give him control over his daughter's finances and many of her decisions. Lohan had bitter words for Lindsay's mum Dina, who he says is doing more harm to the Mean Girls actress than good. Citing Jamie Spears, who looks after Britney's finances, Lohan said: 'Jamie Spears was dealing with a wife that was on his side and was trying to help. I'm dealing with an ex-wife that wants nothing to do with helping Lindsay get better. She wants to be her friend. Wants to say that everything is ok and she is working. Everything out of Dina's mouth has been proven to be a lie (now gimme my weekly $2,500 conservatorship fee, godnammit!).' When Kidd Kraddick asked Lohan if he thought Dina was in denial, Lindsay's estranged father replied: 'In denial? My God she doesn't think she has a drinking problem and she drinks all day like a fish'."
Meanwhile, over at Boozy McHoochyBoob ranch, Dina managed to say: "We will be getting restraining orders... It will happen imminently (once I stop taking to the press). My children are petrified of him (and I'm in no way adding to the hysteria)... He's breaking in, saying all this stuff about her apartment. He's an absolute liar! He wasn't even allowed in there... All my kids, he's never been there. He's been in and out of jail for 10 years. This guy has to be stopped. He's dangerous!"
Michael *stifles yawn* then said: "If Dina wants to persist with the lies, denials and false accusations, I WILL release every one of the over 100 (presumably illegally recorded) tapes I have of her stating the exact opposite of what she has been saying about me and Lindsay."
As ever, TMZ are at hand with the latest update: "We just spotted Michael at the LAX Delta terminal, where he angrily told us he's going back to NYC to get Child Protective Services involved in his fight to get help for Lindsay -presumably he's thinking CPS in New York has jurisdiction over all matters Ali Lohan. Michael had issued an ultimatum to Lindsay - meet with him or he'll take steps to form a conservatorship. Michael says Lindsay skipped the meeting (she opted for lunch with friends instead). As for rumors that his daughters are trying to get a restraining order against him - Michael blamed it all on their mother, saying 'Dina's always talking... nothing ever comes to fruition'."
Pot. Kettle. Etc. Lord, such is the extent of pity for Lindsay Lohan at present I'd almost invite her to stay in my miniature flat for a while, I'll just have to put my hoard of Rolex watches into storage.